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My worry is hitting me in crashing waves, and I want to examine her, ensure she is okay. I want to take her in my arms and feel her body, warm and very much alive, pressed against mine.
But I can’t do any of those things, I remind myself. I need to go at her pace.
With a nod and a self-assuring I can do this, I turn the knob. As soon as it swings open, I’m struck hard as I take Natalie in. We’ve been separated for only a handful of minutes, but having her gaze on me again knocks the breath out of me.
A soft smile spreads across my face as I take one step into the room. “Good evening, Natalie.” I try to keep my voice neutral, though it’s brimming with tenuous hope.
Her eyes are analytical as she assesses me, and I feel like I’m on trial. I’ve never seen anyone with such a piercing gaze, not even when I’ve taken an audience with the King.
“Did you really do all that for me?” Her normally soft and sweet voice is hard and assessing. It makes me gulp, and my heart is hammering in my chest. Will she believe me? Even if Cora told her everything, will she think that it is the truth?
“Yes,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back to hide how they fidget. “I did.”
My heart hammers as the words leave my lips, but to my relief, her expression changes immediately. Her brow smoothes out and her shoulders relax as she leans back on her pillows. Her stern expression turns to one of soft exhaustion, and I could hit my knees when she looks at me with that light in her eyes that I’ve come to love.
“I think that’s my cue,” Cora murmurs as she gets to her feet, her eyes flicking between Natalie and I, not that either of us pay her much mind. “You know where I am if you need me.” She pats Natalie’s hand and lowers her voice as she tells her, “Good luck.”
The door clicks softly closed behind Cora, and on uncertain legs, I make my way to the vacated chair. Natalie’s eyes track my movements, but she doesn’t look put off by them. I take that as a good sign, and I pull the chair up closer by her bedside.
Reaching out, I take her hand in mine and stroke along the back. “Natalie, please tell me what you heard that upset you so.”
I may have gotten the gist of it by listening through the door, but I desperately want her to tell me, herself. I need to ease her fears, and she needs to know that I won’t keep this from her.
“I heard that you were part of the raid on Protheka.” Her eyes sadden as she says it, and it’s like a punch to the gut. I’d do anything to erase it, truly, and it pains me how hard I’ve fallen for this woman. “You never admitted to being involved in the raid when I told you about how it destroyed my life. And I thought that maybe you killed Toklys.”
I try not to cringe as she says the name of her former lover. It hurts me to think of another man holding her, but I can get through this for Natalie. It’s a conversation that I’ve been dreading, and yet, I’ve been wanting to have it since I saw her with tears in her eyes running down my hallway.
Shaking my head, I tell her, “I was a part of the raid, but I never went to Protheka. As a soz’garoth, I only opened the portals for the demons to get down there. I honestly didn’t know what they were planning to do on the ground continent.
“I was just following orders.”
I lift up to stroke her cheeks. “I had no part in taking any of the women or killing anyone. My contribution was barely a wave of my hand, and I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want you to think the worst of me. We were just starting to build trust and I didn’t want to break something so fragile.”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears. “You never went to Protheka.”
I kneel beside her bed, wanting to be eye level and get as close as I can to her. “No, I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t involved.” I take a deep breath, barely able to believe the words that come out of my mouth next. “I’m so sorry.”
A soft smile plays on her lips. She’s relaxing more, and it seems that she finds my very undemonic apology as amusing as it is unnatural.
“Why?”
“I’m sorry for not telling you in the first place. You gave me the perfect opportunity to, and yet, when I had the chance, I stayed silent. No matter the reason, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have told you the truth and let you make your own decisions instead of trying to guide you in the direction of my choice.”
Her eyebrows knit together as I continue, and it makes me nervous. I can’t tell if I’m upsetting her by saying any of this, but I press on.
“And I’m sorry you had to hear from someone else. I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m keeping anything from you. You deserve the truth, Natalie. If you would have come to me, I would have rather talked to you instead of chasing you into a nest of howler demons.”
Her mouth tugs down into a frown. I’m going in the wrong direction.
“But I understand why you did that,” I admit, sounding almost resigned. I’ve never been this open with my feelings with anyone, and it’s hard for me to tell her all of this. But I have to. I have to do what it takes to clear the air between us, and then I have to let her make her own decision.
“I don’t blame you for running from me, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me. I want to know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling, and if you need space from me, I can give you that.”
I squeeze her hand. “Just, please, please, don’t run out there like that again. It’s not safe, and that’s why I chased after you, not because I can’t respect your space but because I can’t bear the idea of you getting hurt.”
I dare a glance up at her beautiful dark eyes, and she’s staring at me with that thoughtful gaze again. I wait a few beats, hoping she’ll give me some kind of response, but she doesn’t. Slowly, I slip my hands off her face and pull back from her.
“I’m sorry if I came on too strong or if I invaded your space or pushed you too far. I’m trying, Natalie, but I…” I shake my head, looking down at my open palms. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, if I’m being honest. I’m doing the best I can.”
