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I hadn’t stopped to think about the children, though. When I sold the women out, dooming them to live under the Demon King instead, that meant that no one was left in the camp to take care of the children. Whatever became of my little siblings, Matt and Beth? It still hurts me every day to admit that I may never know.
They were left behind on Protheka, likely suffering under the same dark elves that I had been trying to escape. In my haste to get away, I forgot that me and Cora were the only ones there to protect them. I had left them defenseless and vulnerable. I had ripped down their safety net with my own hands.
Where are they today? Are they miserable and in pain? Are they even still alive?
Akos reminds me a bit of Mattie. But Matt will never get to be here in this house, reading books quietly in a library undisturbed. He’ll never have servants giving him baths or bringing him meals.
I shouldn’t either. I don’t deserve any of this, and then I have the nerve to dream of more. To fantasize about the tender caress of a demon lover when I shouldn’t even be alive.
Overwhelmed by the grief that I rarely get to acknowledge, I can feel it washing over my body as though I might drown in it. I lay down on the soft couch, wishing more than anything that my family could be here instead of me.
"I'm sorry," I whimper out, just like in the arena. "I'm so, so sorry."
But it's not like the people who need to hear it can. Cora is nowhere near me.
And I have no idea what happened to Matt and Beth.
An unexpected sob escapes me. But it’s like a dam burst, and it’s too late to stop. My shoulders start to shake with the force of my silent crying, the guilt wracking my body. I hide my face against the cushion, and let the hot tears fall.
44
REJ’THOREK
Thonir is a welcome company to help me keep my mind off my troubles. The human I’ve taken is more complex than I expected. I’m mulling over what, exactly, I should do with her. I desire her, but I find myself confused on how to act on it.
She’s mine now. One part of me knows that. I won her and brought her home with me. She’s mine to do with as I like.
So why do I find myself wanting her to approve of my actions? Why does the idea of her being dissatisfied by me leave me so empty? I owe her nothing, and I’ve already given her plenty. Why can’t I seem to convince myself to use her, as I wish?
I don’t want to keep traveling in these mental circles, at least not for tonight. So, I’ve invited Thonir out for a few drinks, attempting to distract myself. I know that at some point, I’ll have to come to terms with this strange cognitive dissonance that I have where she is concerned.
But tonight is not for that.
Unfortunately, Thonir does not seem to have gotten that message. He won’t stop needling me with questions about the human. The human that I’m trying so hard not to think about. “What are your plans for her?” he asks between draughts. “It would be cruel of you to send her back to the arena, unless… you intend to keep her?”
To all these questions, I draw an absolute blank. The only truthful answer I could give is that I don’t know. But I can’t admit that I’m not even sure, myself, what it is about her that compels me to keep her with no idea what I’m keeping her for.
Finally, frustrated with his gentle interrogation, I deflect his next question. “She’s just a plaything,” I explain. “I’ll get bored of her soon, I’m sure. But she’s fun for now. A living trophy.”
I know that I’m lying. I just hope that Thonir doesn’t.
I’ve earned many trophies in my time. But none of them have consumed my every waking thought the way that she does. I do plan to play with her more, so it’s not entirely false. I want to penetrate her again, this time with my cock or tongue.
But it’s not just about possessing her. It’s more than fulfilling my own needs through her. I take as much pleasure in what I give her, as what I take from her. I liked the way she whimpered when I kissed her. I want to make her do that again.
But I can’t tell Thonir that. “She’s a new plaything,” I repeat, trying to convince us both.
Judging by the look on his face, I’m not at all sure that he believes me. I know that I don’t. But he at least drops the questions for the time being, which still feels like a small victory.
We continue to drink, enough that I can feel my frustrations melting away. It numbs my mind enough to put an end to my overthinking, which brings me some relief. Thonir is one of my oldest companions, and the best choice to spend a relaxed evening with.
Relaxation is exactly what I need right now.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long. I sense her before I see her. Yedina. She enters the bar, her face lighting up as soon as she spots me.
Great, I think. I was almost having a good night, so of course she had to show up and put an end to it.
She doesn’t approach me right away. She’s out with her entourage, and there’s a certain degree of showing off that occurs among the matrons. She can’t cave too quickly or pursue me too desperately.
