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"Did you ever resent your mother for forcing you to do all those things?"
"Of course I did, but I never wanted to hurt her, so I never said anything." Jordan contemplates his bottle for a moment. "And now, I'm grateful that she forced me to go to school. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have discovered my love for computers and programming. I wouldn't have my app or my business."
"You're very lucky." I sigh softly. "Your parents were smart to encourage you to follow your passion. I love my parents, but we never really discussed what my future might look like. It was always understood that after I graduated high school, I'd be expected to start contributing to the pack in one way or another. Either by helping them manage the tenants in the trailer park or..." I let the sentence trail off as I look sidelong at Jordan.
From his expression, I know I don't have to spell it out for him. He knows exactly what I mean. "Oh, I see."
For a moment, we both sit and stare silently at the fire. I'm not sure if either of us wants to say anything. There's nothing else that needs to be said. We both understand the nature of our arrangement. It's not like we're going to be romantically involved or anything like that.
But there's a weight hanging over us that neither of us is willing to address yet. Eventually, we will have to try to continue the bloodline. It's not just expected of us, it's our duty.
"We should probably get some sleep," Jordan says as he leans forward to feed the woodstove a few more logs. "I have no idea what time the bonding ceremony is supposed to start tomorrow, but knowing my family, it'll probably be early."
"Right."
"You take the bed. I'll make up a pallet on the floor." Jordan climbs to his feet and offers me a hand. "I'm used to camping out and roughing it."
"Okay, thanks." I take his hand and shiver slightly at the warmth of his touch. But the feeling passes as soon as he withdraws his hand and turns to start preparing his bed on the floor.
I suppose things could be worse. At the very least, I don't have to worry about being rushed into parenthood yet.
But as I crawl into the bed, I can't help but feel the sting of loneliness in the depths of my heart. Am I truly destined to spend the rest of my life in a loveless union? My mom tried to tell me that love can grow over time if you're open to it, but I don't see that happening between me and Jordan.
He's got a plan for his future.
And it doesn't involve me.
8
JORDAN
The chill air of early morning stings my cheeks. The sun is barely up, and a low fog hangs over the creek that runs past the cabin. I don't think I slept for more than an hour last night. My body is stiff from sleeping on the hard wooden floor, but I barely even notice it.
Sitting on the top step of the front porch, my thoughts are flitting away faster than a spooked deer. Once again, I'm overwhelmed by the desire to just let my wolf out and run into the woods where no one can find me.
But I don't.
Not today.
I've already done enough running lately. Even though I'm certain I've made the right decision by staying here with Caleb, it doesn't change the fact that this feels like the end of everything.
I've fought so hard to get to this point. I’ve built something for myself, only to throw it all away by doing the one thing I swore I would never do.
I'm never going to be able to balance my duties to the pack with running my business. And, despite our conversation last night, it's not fair to Caleb for me to just ignore my duties to him either. He didn't ask for this any more than I did. But I'm the one still clinging to my own selfish desires.
Not that they're completely selfish.
The money I earn from my app isn't just sitting in some bank account somewhere. I'm actively contributing it back to the pack. A lot of other pack members have jobs for human companies. The money they earn is brought home for the benefit of everyone else too.
When I started my business, I hoped that I'd be able to contribute in the same way they do. I'd thought that maybe if the elders saw how much my business was contributing to the good of the pack, they'd give me a break about finding a mate.
I underestimated their devotion to tradition.
And now I'm sitting here, seriously contemplating selling off my app and shutting the whole business down.
Clenching my teeth, I ignore the bile rising in my throat.
I hate this.
