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A smirk grows on her face as if to doubt me. Before I can verbalize the word “What?” Nadia shouts out, “I’m pregnant.”
Mentally, webs fill my mind. Intricate, detailed webs. I think I put them in there to trap any thoughts from spreading. Or maybe I put them there to prevent myself from holding onto any one idea. Mere distraction. I need that. Right now.
“Excuse me…what?”
Nadia pulls out of our embrace and steals my gaze with her glossy, pretty eyes.
“I am. I’m pregnant and...”
“It’s mine.” I figured I’d finish it off. I know one thing is certain: Iwantit to be mine.
But as much as I want it to be mine, I know it is ultimately up to Nadia what happens moving forward. I hope she has some ideas.
“Yes. Yes, it is yours.”
“I thought you were taking the pill?”
“I started taking it before I left California for clearer skin. I know it sounds foolish and maybe a little vain, but as a twenty-eight-year-old who has no plans to have children, I figured I could take birth control to have an acne-free summer. But…look. All I know is that I have to make an appointment here in Evergreen and….”
“Do you…do you know what you want to do?”
She holds my hand as my mind’s webs loosen. I have to think this through; it’ll be much easier when she lets me know what she wants. I hope she knows already.
“Joaquin…I found out today. I don’t know one hundred percent what to do. I know that I used to be the girl who wanted kids. I used to be the girl who loved the idea of having kids, and I still am. I know in my heart of all hearts I’ve always wanted to be a Mom. It’s only recently that my ambitions have taken the wheel. It’s only recently that I figured, “Why add more kids to a world that is falling apart?” A world where there will be more tornadoes and thunderstorms and catastrophes. What’s the point?”
As much as I may disagree with her, I understand.
“Sometimes I wish I could throw this whole world away and create it from scratch for Adam. I wish I could give him a world that will love everyone equally and treat this land the way we ought to. I have these thoughts, Nadia. I do. I genuinely understand. I don’t want to rush you, but I can’t lie. I’m eager to know.”
“What would you like to happen if it was up to you?”
I’m not ready for this question. My response will be so long that we’ll have to continue it after I pick up Adam and even after I have to put him to bed.
I rub my hands together and then outstretch them to place Nadia’s in them.
Holding hands, staring at each other, I allow my mind to receive her question. I want to be gentle with the answer because I had a life I planned with a woman years ago. That life never came about. Instead, I was given the entirety of my son. I don’t want to be a single parent of two kids. I prefer Nadia’s presence, support, and capabilities as a mother.
“I don’t want to be left alone with a baby. There’s my fear, right on ‘front street,’ for everyone to hear. I don’t want to be left alone with a baby. I know how hard it is. But, what I really want, I know you don’t. I want a relationship; if it were up to me, we would be in one. You would stay here in Evergreen, write the memoir, and take up other reporting projects where you could succeed while working remotely. We would be afamily, Adam would be on top of the world, and our child would be raised in a loving home with both parents and an awesome big brother. We could travel together as a family, and if the world called for you to take a huge trip somewhere for any reporting, we would go together as a family if possible. Something like that. But I don’t want to hold you back but… would want my child in my life. But not just my child. You. I want you in my life. There it is. It’s simple and not…I guess.”
Nadia focuses her eyes on mine. They are starting to dry. Her mind is more restful than when she announced it to me. Maybe, my words have impacted her. I hope so. I hope in the way I want them to.
“Okay, thank you. I have to think about all this. It’s too heavy. I’ll need time.” These are her only words.
Luckily enough, no customers are mounting my stairs. I feel secure and firm in how I expressed my feelings to Nadia. She’s driving the bus now. I hope she doesn’t place a whirlwind of pressure on herself. As impatient as I am about hearing what she wants to do, I find peace and comfort knowing Nadia told me so quickly.
Melody waited until she was visible to alert me that Adam was growing inside her. There was a shamefulness about Melody when she was pregnant, although outside of us not being married, I didn’t see why else she would have any shame.
I don’t sense any shame from Nadia. An unknowingness triggers my nose to flare and puts me on edge. I have no power in the ultimate decision. I can see how men don’t like not having control, especially when they can’t see why they shouldn’t have control. However, I am not a fan of those men. Those men are pitiful old souls who feel they have to drive all the buses in town and buses that don’t even belong to us. But, as long as I stay truthful to my word and honor Nadia’s space, I know everything will be alright.
Twenty minutes before I close the store to get Adam, Nadia tells me she booked a doctor’s appointment. Honestly, I was expecting Nadia to complain about not seeing her regular doctor. I was proud she didn’t wear her stress during that part.
“It’s best to take it one day at a time,” Nadia says when she catches my eye.
Counting the till for the day, my mind begins pondering how much I can bring to the financial table if we do this thing called family. That’s only if Nadia wants the complete package deal, which includes me and Adam, and this home. I can’t fathom having a partnership with the growth of our child. Since we can’t get enough of each other and get along very well, it’d be a wild surprise if Nadia didn’t want a relationship.
I have to combat my mind from racing. Nadia must’ve read it because she stands with her elbows on the countertop. She watches me closely, my facial expressions, perhaps my jawline that she admits makes me so sexy. If she hadn’t announced she was pregnant, I’d assume she is asking for love…and when I finally set my eyes on her, maybe she is.
“You’re one hot daddy, you know that?” She states.
