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Mildred, I think. A perfect innkeeper name, if I’ve ever heard one.
I turn around and start to open the door to go back inside. Then I hesitate. “Well, it’s sort of a silly thing,” I announce, suddenly. “I just got contacted by someone who used to be very important to me. An old boyfriend, as a matter of fact.”
Millie nods, with an expression of deep interest on her face. “Well, that doesn’t sound silly to me at all. I think anyone would want someone to talk to about that.”
Just hearing that, I let out a breath and feel muscles in my chest that I didn’t know were tense relaxing. I didn’t realize quite how much I needed someone to reassure me that I wasn’t just being dramatic.
“Well, we haven’t seen each other in a very long time. Since we broke up, in fact. And he just invited me to come talk to him.”
“I see,” Millie says. “And how do you feel about that?”
“Well, that’s the thing I’m trying to figure out. It’s all sort of mixed up, you see…”
“Oh, I’ve definitely felt that way before,” she answers. “This relationship you had back in the day. Was it a happy one?”
“It was the best relationship I ever had,” I tell her, a little surprised by the certainty with which the words come out. “And yes. It was happy. That is, until it ended.”
“And why did it end?”
“Because he didn’t want other people to know about us,” I say. “He sort of has this front that he puts up. A tough man who doesn’t need anyone. And I think being in love with me made him take down that front. And that was difficult for him.”
She nods, somberly. “That’s very difficult. It’s rare to meet someone who can get through the walls we put up.”
I realize that she’s talking about me, not him. And of course, she’s right. I do have a front, a wall, that I put up, just like he does. Mine is being charming, desirable. The flirty model who’s always got a smile on their lips.
And Ragnar definitely made his way though that. All the way through.
“Anyway, I just don’t know if it’s a good idea or not,” I continue. “Seeing him, I mean. I’m scared he’s just gonna break my heart again. Like the first time. And… well, I don’t know.”
“That’s not a question I can answer for you,” Millie says, somberly.
I nod. “Of course not. I understand.”
“I can ask you a question that might help, though,” she offers.
“A question?”
“It’s a question someone asked me when I said I was thinking about opening a bed and breakfast.” She took a breath. “If it all went well… If the whole meeting went just the best it possibly could, would it make you happy enough to risk it going badly?”
I stand there by the door, letting that sink in. Slowly, a smile spreads across my face. “You know, you’re pretty sharp for an innkeeper,” I tell her.
She smiles back. “You’d be surprised the kinds of things people admit to someone they think they’re never going to see again.”
I bet I would too. Then again, she’d probably be surprised by the kinds of things people admit to a model they think is hot. “You’ve helped me a lot, Millie. I know exactly what I’m going to do.”
“Let me know if you need anything else!” she says, and turns back down the hallway. I walk in the door.
I’m gonna go to the meeting. I don’t know if Ragnar is ready to open himself up to me fully. I don’t know if I’ll be able to open myself up to Ragnar. There’s a lot that could still go wrong. A lot of ways we could hurt each other or end up regretting this.
But if he was ready…
If we could still connect to each other the way we did back then…
I don’t care if it’s one chance in a thousand. I don’t care if I look back on this and decide I’m being silly. That one chance is worth it. That hope is worth it.
And even if it doesn’t happen, at least I’ll know. I’ll know it’s time to finally set these feelings to rest once and for all. That would be worth something too.
If there’s still a chance, any chance at all, I’m going to take it.
