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I help myself to a steaming hot shower. Then, wrapped in a cotton bathrobe, I open a bottle of Syrah on the counter and go to town. I grabbed two glasses, for some reason. But the second stays completely clean.
Finally, I give up. I crawl into bed and surrender to a lonely night by myself. And with that thought, the tears finally come crashing down on the pillow.
28
RAGNAR
Sleep does not come for me. My mind spends the entire night racing through thoughts of anger, betrayal, hurt, and confusion. Bradford knows I love him, that I’m willing to provide anything and everything I can for him. So why was he so unhappy at dinner? Why push buttons that didn’t need pushing?
I thought over this rather than receive a single wink of sleep. And after so many hours, I came to a stunning conclusion that no orc ever wants to end on: I was wrong. After playing back the evening a dozen or so times, I realize I’m the one to blame for the hurt. Bradford was telling me, in pretty simple-to-understand terms and body language, that I was tossing him to the side in favor of work. Even if I didn’t mean to.
I can see how that would rip open a fresh wound. I promised him I would do better, put him and our relationship front and center. And I tossed that aside almost immediately.
I drive back home to freshen up. I don’t know if Bradford wants to see me, and I’ve already decided if he needs space I’ll gladly give it to him. I walk past the kitchen counter where an empty bottle of wine and two wine glasses sit. Only one of them shows the dregs of the Syrah.
My heart clenches, realizing he still thought I might have come back last night.
After confirming Bradford is still asleep, I quickly take a shower and change clothing. I don’t want to wake him in case he suffered as sleepless a night as I did. So, I leave him be and find an old hotel notepad in a desk drawer.
‘Dear Bradford: didn’t want to wake you. I want to say I’m sorry. I’ll be at my office if you need me. See you tonight. All my love, Ragnar.’
I leave the note on the nightstand next to his head. I want to brush the side of his sleeping face with a gentle kiss, but I don’t know if he’d want that from me right now. So instead, I simply leave.
Back at the office, I can’t concentrate. My eyesight keeps blurring emails and memos together as my mind drifts to guilt and shame. I find myself checking my personal phone every few minutes, just in case I’ve missed a notification.
There’s nothing.
I want to give him space, but sitting here quietly is killing me. So, I decide to give him one small gesture of affection. To let him know I’m thinking of him while I pretend to work. I order a small bouquet of flowers. Something simple and seasonal, in stark contrast to the extravagant display I dumped on him yesterday.
“Would you like anything written on the card?” the florist asks.
“Just, I’m sorry. And I love you.”
The florist makes an audible sigh on the other side of the phone. I’m sure men like me keep her in business, but it must be hard to be so privy to how much cheating and emotional neglect happens in this city. She confirms it’ll be there by lunch and hangs up.
I think about what Bradford said, how I was a different orc in Green Haven. I resisted dwelling on that observation before. But now, in this pained solitude, I understand what he meant. I wasn’t just more relaxed there, it was practically a forced vacation of course I’d be relaxed. No, I was more open to a different way of living as well.
I had soaked in the small town charm of Green Haven and let it soothe me. The easy living, simplicity of the place had changed something in me. Calmed my inner turmoil. It made me someone worthy of loving someone like Bradford.
I understand now. I want to make this up to him. Show him just how much he means to me. That even when I was terrible, he’s still the priority in my heart.
An idea pops into my head. I’m not sure if it’ll work, but I have to try. At the very least, I need to try. With that in mind, I make a few phone calls.
I wrap up the rest of my business for the day and make my way home. I send Bradford a message to let him know I’m coming, and he finally responds, ‘ok’.
That’s at least something.
When I walk in I see the wine and glasses are gone, with the bouquet in their place. Bradford is sitting there, waiting for me. I drop my briefcase and open my arms to him. He doesn’t even hesitate. Bradford is engulfed in my embrace instantly, nuzzling his head into my chest and breathing hard.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry I was so awful to you last night. You were right.”
“Damn right I was!” Bradford yells before pulling back and slapping me gently on the chest.
“I was unfair to you, not thinking about your feelings being so far from home and alone. I got wrapped up in my old ways. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. Can you give me another chance?”
Bradford bites his bottom lip, closes his eyes, and nods his head.
“Of course I will,” he says. Then, he smiles and lets out a brief chuckle. “God, why can’t I stay mad at you! I love you, Ragnar.” There are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, and I move to wipe them away.
