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“This is not a stupid idea,” he argues. “A stupid idea was when Luc decided to test his pain tolerance by putting his bare ass on a flaming barbecue grill.”
I wince. “What happened?”
“He has very interesting scars and a remarkably high threshold for pain.”
“Okay, I grant you, that was a stupid idea. But that doesn’t make this less stupid! It just means that neither of you have any common sense.”
“Emma,” Finn says. “I have thought about this. And I’ve talked it over with my brothers. This is the way out. Trust me.”
“Trust you? Absolutely not. Because aside from this being a horrible idea, you should have talked to me first, Finn.”
“I tried –”
“Chasing me around the office when I don’t want to talk doesn’t count! God!” I cry in frustration. “Have you never heard of letting someone cool down first, and then talking? Or sending a text or an email saying that you have something urgent to discuss?”
“I didn’t think about that,” he admits. “I figured that you were mad and there was no point in talking more.”
“You made an assumption that let you off the hook,” I correct him. “You took the coward’s way out, Finn. And that’s what you’re doing with Raven.”
“I’m protecting the firm! And that includes your job.”
“I don’t need this job this badly!” I shoot back. “You just want the easy solution, the flashy fix. You piss me off, you stop trying to talk to me. You piss Raven off, you don’t try to have a real conversation with her and figure out what’s going on. You just decide to lead her on, all the way to the damn altar!”
“I am not a coward,” Finn says quietly.
“Then prove it, and stop acting like one. Stop running away from anything that smacks of really opening up to someone, building a real partnership that means something. And stop using me as a pawn in your life.” I open the door. “I’m done.”
“Emma,” Finn says, but I hold up my hand.
“No, Finn. I mean it. Please leave.”
He starts to, then stops. “Is this some sort of test? Like I should come back in a couple of hours and we can talk then?”
“No.” I shake my head. “This isn’t a test. We don’t have anything left to talk about.”
Finn looks at me, and I hold his gaze. I don’t want to look away first, but my eyes are filling with tears and I also don’t want him to see me cry. But instead, he looks down at the floor, and then walks away.
I do my best to avoid Finn over the next few days. Every time I think about what he’s going to do, I feel a physical pain, like I’m getting hit in the stomach. I can’t believe how hurt and betrayed I feel. I know that Finn is making the wrong choice, but I also can’t see a future for us, even if he changed his mind.
I didn’t think that he was so weak.
Seeing this side of him has been more than a disappointment. It feels like another betrayal – a betrayal of the Finn that I was getting to know, the real demon underneath the arrogant, self-assured front he puts on.
This isn’t who he is. I have to believe that, otherwise I’ll begin doubting my own judgment. I can’t go down that path. I can’t let myself believe that, in addition to getting dumped before our relationship had barely begun, I was also duped.
I respect Finn’s desire to save the firm. That’s admirable, especially because I know he’s felt partly responsible for the situation the firm is in in the first place. He’s told me that he and Luc didn’t want to change the firm’s direction after Damien first brought it up.
Since learning about how dire the firm’s future was, Finn said, he had wondered if agreeing with Damien sooner would have changed anything. He said that Damien never blamed him and Luc, but that didn’t stop Finn from blaming himself.
That’sthe demon I was starting to fall in love with. The one that could think critically about his choices and take responsibility for his actions. The one that reflected on his life and knew the weight of his decisions.
I know that Finn is still there, buried underneath the bluster and cockiness. And that’s the Finn that I want to help save the firm.
But not at the cost of my heart. And not when I don’t know if he really cares about me, or ever did. Or if he cares about Raven, even. Because right now it feels like Finn is just out for himself, and he doesn’t give a damn who he hurts.
22
FINN
