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For all Corbin’s retreat, Xaiden got closer. He had to be touching Corbin and me the moment he saw us. He didn’t like being alone with his thoughts, or being alone period, anymore. Tuesday night I had to go to his gym to find him. He wasn’t at his house when I got there and my calls to his phone went unanswered. Contacting Dexen would have been a last resort. I didn’t want to worry Xaiden’s brother if I didn’t have to.
Xaiden had been in the gym pounding the hell out of a heavy bag. One of his employees saw me coming and told me Xaiden had been going nonstop for almost two hours, rotating through various machines, equipment, whatever he could do. The second Xaiden laid his eyes on me, he stopped his assault on the bag and wrapped me in his arms, confessing how he felt like we were off and didn’t know what to do about it while I was at work and Corbin didn’t respond when Xaiden texted him.
The thing about Xaiden, he couldn’t stop worrying. It ate at him until he could put his hands on us to remind himself we were okay, but even when we were touching Corbin, it wasn’t the same.
We stayed in the shop a little longer while I finished working on Corbin’s truck. JJ went into his office to handle whatever for the business. Honestly, I didn’t get involved in that aspect of the shop.
It was late by the time we got back to Xaiden’s, showered, and crawled into bed. Xaiden held me tight like he was afraid I was about to bolt. I tried to reassure him, but it wasn’t easy. We needed Corbin. We needed to know what was going on with him.
21
XAIDEN
It was like I was back at the beginning before everything was solid between the three of us. Or as solid as I thought it was. Apparently, not so much with the way Corbin had withdrawn. He wouldn’t say much, only that something was going on at work. This deep-seated fear inside me reared its ugly head and whispered words of doubt in my mind.
You’re not who he wants.
He wasn’t serious when he said he wanted to be with you.
He was figuring out who he was.
You’re going to lose him.
He’s going to walk away and not come back.
He’ll take Val with him.
You’re too old for them.
Too needy.
Too pushy.
Too much!
I sat on one of the benches on my back patio. My head in hands, my body rocking back and forth. I didn’t want to lose Corbin or Val. The voices in my head, the doubts I had, they weren’t relenting. I was up all night with my arms around both men. Val had been on his side facing away from me, his ass pressed to my hip, his head pillowed on my arm. Corbin had his cheek pressed to my bare chest and his arm and leg snaked over me while my arm wrapped around him.
It had been two days since I was at JJ’s shop with Val. While Corbin did come here after his shift, he’d still been different. Not the Corbin I was used to. In sleep, he was relaxed and comfortable. Like his body knew what it wanted but he couldn’t get his mind on the same page.
Standing, I stretched out my back. I’d been sitting for too long. I padded on bare feet to the soft grass, letting the dew cling to my toes as I kept going until I stood in the middle of the open space, my back to the house, the trees in a semi-circle before me.
So many times, the silence became too much. I was currently dealing with the opposite. It was too loud in my head. Too many thoughts trying to break me down. The only way to get it to stop was to confront Corbin, to ask him point-blank how he felt. In doing so, I could scare him away. It was torturous removing myself from them this morning. I was only able to do it when Corbin rolled to his other side. I got out of bed without waking them and started a pot of coffee. I would have preferred a smoothie but didn’t want to run the blender. All the coffee did was give me a caffeine buzz I didn’t need.
I couldn’t force either man to be with me, nor would I want to. Whoever was with me had to be here because they cared for me, loved me, was able to give themselves over to me like I would to them. There was no doubt in my mind how much I loved Corbin and Val. I didn’t have to fight to keep the words inside any longer. They were buried deep due to the fear keeping the words from leaving my lips. If they did rise and were spoken, and the feelings weren’t returned, the fear would amplify. I’d never give my heart to anyone again. I couldn’t. They were it for me. It was them or no one. Maybe it was a harsh statement, but I didn’t care. I knew who I wanted.
“Xaiden?” Val’s sleepy voiced drifted from the patio. I turned to find him shirtless, black boxer briefs low on his slender hips; his dirty blond hair going every which way. I loved how sweet he looked in the mornings. The way his cowlick was out of control and his skin was still warm.
Every step in his direction had my stomach knotting more. “You should go back to sleep.”
“Can’t,” he muttered. “You’re not there and Corbin’s in the shower.”
“He doesn’t have to work today.” Was he planning on leaving?
“What are you doing out here?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Val sighed. “You have to stop. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but you can’t beat yourself up.”
