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With a click, he hung up on me.
My voice died. My hand dropped to my lap, clutching the phone, and I simply stared at it for several heartbeats.
My insides felt as though they’d all tangled together. Shame still burned through my belly, but a spark of frustration had lit too.
I was sorry, and I hated that Kenzo was being put through the trauma of my previous actions all over again—and I had also been completely honest when I’d told him that I’d never wanted any of this attention.
His opinion of me had soured so much—and stayed sour even over the years. We’d had a joyful relationship before I’d screwed everything up. That one slip of my tongue had turned all the love we’d shared into total, unrelenting hatred.
As superpowers went, I could do without that one.
I swallowed thickly and tried to convince myself to get up. I couldn’t quite find the will to propel myself off the bed.
A knock sounded on the bedroom door, followed by Jasper’s voice. “Everything all right in there, Niko?”
I opened my mouth to give another rote answer.Yes. Of course. I’m fine.
I wasn’t fine, though. And I didn’t want to lie to this man. I wanted to be better with both Lou and Jasper than I’d been with anyone before. Be open with him, let him in, make sure we were always on the same page.
How else could I make sure I never made such a huge misstep again?
“Not… not exactly,” I admitted.
Jasper nudged open the door. When he caught sight of me, he kicked the door shut behind him and crossed the room in a couple of quick strides to sit down next to me. He leaned his broad shoulder against mine. “What’s going on? It looks like there’s more bothering you than just pushy reporters.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No pushy reporters. Well, none of them who’re talking directly to me.” I motioned to the TV I’d turned off. “At least one of the news stations has started bringing up other dramatic incidents I’ve been a part of in the past—particularly, the time when I outed my ex.”
“Oh, shit.” Jasper slid his arm around me as easily as I’d seen him offer the same affection to Lou earlier. Despite the turmoil inside me, something brighter lit up in my chest, melting a little of the anguish. “I’m sorry. I guess reporters can be sharks all over the world.”
I gave a rough laugh. “That’s not the worst part. My ex saw and called to yell at me. He figures I encouraged the stories for more media coverage.”
“What?” Jasper sputtered. “That’s ridiculous.Iknow how awful you feel about that mistake, and I wasn’t even there when it happened. How could he think that?”
“I did ruin his life in more than one way.” I hung my head. “I can see how that would also have ruined his opinion of me. I tried to tell him that I never wanted it brought up again, but he didn’t believe me. And then he hung up. I’m not going to chase after him trying to convince him.”
Jasper let out a disgruntled sound and hugged me tighter. “He sounds like an asshole to me. It’s one thing to be angry at someone in the moment, but to hold on to that much of a grudge years later—and take it out on the other person who’s already shown how sorry they are…”
He scowled, which only made the fondness around my heart swell larger. “He has a right to his anger,” I said. “And maybe I deserve to hear it. But it wasn’t fun.”
“No kidding. There’s got to be a limitation on how long you can feel guilty over an honest mistake. He chose to live a double-life, with all the risks that came with it.”
I didn’t think Jasper fully understood the consequences Kenzo had faced. Both because things were somewhat different in Japan compared to the States, and also, maybe he’d never thought about himself being in the same position.
The moment that possibility occurred to me, I couldn’t shake the idea. My mouth went dry, but I forced myself to look over at Jasper.
“Would you be all right ifourrelationship became public knowledge? If a reporter found out and spread it all over the news?”
Jasper paused, but not as if he was bothered by the question, only as if he was thinking it over. He cocked his head. “I guess it might make our situation a little more complicated—raising questions about you as my coach and the fact that we’re with Lou as well. But it’s not totally unheard of for skaters and their coaches to get involved, and our professional arrangement is a lot more informal than most anyway. I think it’d be fine.”
I blinked at him. “And you wouldn’t mind people knowing?”
He shrugged and offered me a sheepish smile. “I’m not saying there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. It’s hard to know for sure when I’ve never been in that position before. But I don’t feel any need tohideour relationship. I’m not ashamed of who I’m with—not Lou and not you either. We’re really good together. That’s something to be proud of.”
Gazing back at him, at his beautifully crooked smile and the warmth gleaming in his gray-green eyes, I was lost in a momentary rush of affection. The same poignant emotion that had nearly spilled from my mouth that first afternoon in the hospital—that would have if he hadn’t taken off in the middle of our conversation.
But I could say it now. He obviously wasn’t going anywhere.
I beamed back at him. “I love you. More and more the longer we’re together. I’m so glad that we managed to find our way back into each other’s lives.”
