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Sammy just stood there, holding the bunched-up linens in his arms, laughing.
Logan was ridiculously happy. He refused the doubts that were lurking at the back of his mind to take a front seat and plunge him into an unfounded panic. Sammy loved him. They were good together, and this thing between them - it was real.
They showered, stripped the bed, and just fell into this comfortable domestic shit - Logan vacuumed, Sammy did the laundry and then started on breakfast. He still insisted Logan eat every morning, getting him to send him photos of his toast when he wasn't there, even though he had dropped down in his medication dosage and wasn't feeling as ill anymore.
He may have felt irritated if it was his mother asking him to do this, or even Dave, but the fact was he had scared Sammy big time when he had come back to him so many weeks ago. If sending him a stupid picture of his toast would put him at ease, he would fucking do it and eat the damn toast too.
Truth be told, Sammy looking after him made Logan feel special. On some days, he still struggled to accept he deserved it. Logan had promised himself not to ask his lover to reassure him of his feelings when he was being insecure. Instead, he would do his best to show Sammy just how much he appreciated him for his kindness and loving care.
They ended up both dragging their feet doing chores around the house, and by the time Sammy had their bags packed in the car, it was already lunchtime. He was determined though they should go to New York today, and Logan took Morpheus for a walk. Dave had promised to stop by at dinnertime and take his bestest bud with him for a few days while they sorted everything out.
He mused on the new household dynamic they would have. Sammy would still travel for work, that was a given, but realistically, a lot of his projects he could work on from Saratoga Springs.
During their late breakfast, Logan had let himself feel just a tiny bit insecure about this new stage of their relationship.
“What if you get bored? James ain’t wrong, I do live in the middle of the fucking woods.”
Sammy laughed and almost choked on his coffee. That killed a bit of the tension that had built up in Logan's shoulders. Sammy shook his head grinning. “Not saying my party days are over, but I think you worry too much. I'll travel, we’ll go places together and have nights out. We'll have fun here.”
His mood sank a bit – encounters with Beth and Carl would be absolutely inevitable. Even thinking about it made him feel like his blood was boiling, but it was time to acknowledge the situation for what it was – not everyone Logan knew would be happy about his relationship with Sammy. His lover had kindly given him two days to pretend they didn't have shit to talk about, so he could de-stress, but Logan knew that having an open discussion was something they had to do. His lover gently urged him to listen by clasping his hand on the kitchen table.
“What happened the other night was awful. There are no words to express how sorry I am you had to go through it. Unfortunately, shit like that happens all the time and it varies from hilariously ignorant to downright traumatizing.”
Logan's head snapped up, and he looked at Sammy, ashamed to realize he hadn't considered that this hadn't been his first time to experience hateful behavior. His face was burning with embarrassment. He hadn’t looked after him at all or even asked him if he was alright. These past two days, he had been more or less thinking about himself and how he had failed to stand tall next to Sammy, but he had neglected to take into account exactly how traumatizing the experience may have been for him.
“I'm so sorry, baby. I should have said something. I feel really bad I didn't even think––”
“Babe, I didn't say it so you would feel even worse. I'm just saying...I don't know.” He looked like he was thinking about his next words carefully. “When I moved in with James, his parents sat us down and we talked about stuff like that at length. It was still horrible when it started happening but being prepared for it... it just helped a little bit. Knowing what to expect softened the blow in a way.” Logan gave him a shocked look, but Sammy just raised his hand in placation. “I’m not saying you have to take all the bullshit people choose to hit you with. Trust me when I say, sometimes letting things slide off you and walking away, ignoring it, could mean saving your ass from a potentially dangerous situation.”
Logan was shaking his head at the implications of what Sammy was telling him. Just at the thought that he had to potentially compromise with his own dignity to stay safe was fucking mind-boggling. “I don't want to be like this. I was never like this, just freezing like a coward. This was never me. I don't want you ever to think you can't rely on me.” Something dawned on him for the first time, making him feel like an even bigger fool. "Is this why you don't wear your makeup as much anymore?"
Sammy blushed. “I just… I know it's a lot for you and I thought it would be easier that way.”
Logan felt horrible that the thought hadn't even occurred to him. He loved his look even if the makeup wasn't too elaborate. He just wore it with confidence, and to add to that, when he got all done up at home when it was just them, it always made Logan feel special. To realize he had been hiding to spare him more conflict and to avoid more unpleasant situations, made Logan sad.
Of course, he had ignored it all too absorbed in the excitement of being together, too much in love to actually see through this simple act. Yes, there was so much Logan would have to learn about Sammy, but he wouldn't let anything stop him from having Sammy in his life and loving him with all his heart.
“Baby, please don’t ever do something like that again. I want you. I love you. Please always be yourself. Nobody else matters to me as much as you do. All I want is to see you smile. Don't ever feel like you must adjust your appearance or behavior to fit with me. I don’t ever want you to feel like you hitched your wagon to some spineless coward. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re not safe. I’m so sorry for freezing, I swear it will never happen again…”
“Logan, it's okay. I know you’re not a coward. What happened the other night, that had nothing to do with how brave you are. Besides, there is plenty of time for you to be my rock when I need to lean on you for support. I don't have my shit together all the time either. Sometimes I will be the one reaching for you, needing you to save me, from the world or from my own-damn-self. You may have doubts now, but honey, I believe in you with all my heart. I know you will never let me down.”
Sammy was smiling but Logan still felt bad and just shook his head, horrible thoughts of insecurity instantly swirling in his mind. He fought to push them down with everything he had. Sammy got up from his chair and came to sit on his lap, draping his arms over his shoulders, bringing their foreheads together. “I love you. We’ll be strong for each other and stronger together. It’s all I need, baby.”
“Fuck, sweetheart, you always know just what to say. That was fucking beautiful. I love you.”
* * *
It wasthe first week of February, and although on some days the temperatures were in the negative, the first signs of spring were coming through. The midday sun high in the sky had real warmth to it, and there was more slush than solid snow around the house. Morpheus loved it. He was going to be really muddy by the end of this walk for sure. He was chasing birds and jumping in the snowy dunes, yapping, and trying to get Logan to chase him, which he did as the large chocolate troublemaker had infectious energy.
Finally, he settled on the old pier cutting in the frozen lake and Morpheus was panting next to him. He loved the view and the way the light reflected off the icy surface. It would look almost magical in the late afternoon, and he considered it a blessing to have this place. His eyes drifted over the old pine planks, and he made a mental note to ask Dave to help him rebuild it in the summer. Logan could already imagine Sammy lounging by his side, watching the sunset on a hot summer’s night, with Morpheus panting nearby just as he was right now.
He was relieved Sammy hadn’t found it weird to stay in the home he had built with Sophy. The fondness and respect his lover showed for his deceased spouse and daughter were beautiful. Logan thanked his lucky stars to have had the honor of loving Sophy and Jordan, then to have met someone so wonderful as Sammy at a time in his life when he had no hope, he would ever feel anything but sadness again, let alone love.
Maybe one day they would move. Maybe they would travel. He had to admit that the idea of adventures with Sammy excited him. All he had done in his life was work with his dad. And yeah, sure, Sophy and Logan had gone on vacations, but he had always felt guilty for not being there for his family. They had both felt pressured to be back home as soon as possible. After Jordan was born there were quite a few Disney trips and fun family adventures.
He felt conflicted thinking about all of this. Everything about his life with Sophy had been perfect, but there was no denying this was a brand-new beginning he was about to embark on with Sammy. He wanted to enjoy it without ever comparing it to the life he had before.
He was deep in thought when he heard the loud yelp and the horrible whine somewhere ahead. He looked around frantically only to discover Morpheus was gone. Some twenty feet away, he saw a movement and another desperate yelp followed. He lunged toward the hole in the ice, where Morpheus must have slipped into the water. He was almost there when he realized it would be too thin for him to walk all the way to the edge of the hole. His buddy was struggling to keep his head above water. Logan had to do something right now.
