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2017 October
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Dear Ty,
I'm in love with you. I love you.
I can’t believe I waited this long to say it. I’m sorry it took me forever to get it together and admit how I truly feel about you.
I love you. With all my heart. So damn much, Ty.
Tayida, I can’t breathe easy until I know what’s in your heart. I’m so scared I fucked this up for good. I’m anxious and horrified I might have missed my chance with you.
I’m even more scared I might be fucking delusional and imagining this whole thing between us.
Maybe you’re already loved by someone.
Maybe they’re better than me.
Maybe they’re truly worthy of you.
I can’t even pretend to care. I’ve waited too long, wasted too much time, and now I’m simply desperate.
I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted.
I beg you, if there is even the tiniest sliver of hope, please consider me.
Consider us.
I. Love. You.
I want to be with you in every way. I want to be your boyfriend, your plus one, your significant other, your best friend.
I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Making you smile.
I think about you all the time. I think of everything that could be and if you ever give me a chance, if you think you could ever let me hope to be more than Cy's little brother to you, I swear to you, I won't squander a single minute that we share.I will love you until my last day on this earth and I will always cherish you. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I don’t think I can ever be happy without you.
A part of my heart leaves with you every time you go back overseas with Cyril, and I am afraid little will be left of it if I don't get my shit together and ask you to be mine.
I know this is a lot to process, and maybe it seems like this confession is coming out of nowhere.
It’s not.
I have felt this way for a long time. There was always some reason I considered important enough for me to ignore my feelings and pretend I would somehow get over this colossal crush I have on you.
But after last Christmas, I can’t pretend anymore. We…there was something between us. I felt it. I swear I did. I know I did.
I want you in my life. In my space. In my bed. In my arms. And it’s only fitting I want all that, as you are already in my heart.
Tayida, the agony of your absence never seems to fade. In fact, it’s growing stronger. The more I fall for you, the more I ache for you. I need you so very much that sometimes feelings of emptiness hit me like a tidal wave. I imagine what we could have, and it kills me that I’ve been a coward, waiting for a sign that you want me too instead of revealing my own feelings.
Call me crazy, call me a desperate lunatic, but I swear I felt something different brew between us, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for months. Tayida…I feel…I think you want me just as much as I want you. I believe…you feel the same way about me. I think…we’ve been through too much. Our lives have been complicated, to say the least. We’ve been afraid.
I’m sending you this email, knowing you will soon be on your way to join us for the holidays.
