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Rian worries his lip some more, sitting at the small kitchen table, pretending to be working on his laptop.
Fuck. Just tell the fucking truth. Beg if you must. What does pride matter if you’re all alone again?
The truth is he’s never happier than when Cyril and Tayida are home, and he knows they are safe. When he can see them, talk to them. When he gets to be close to Ty no matter how trivial their proximity is. There is no reason to assume Ty would ever feel the same way about him, but what if...
“What are you plotting over there?” Cyril interrupts the frantic whirl of Rian’s thoughts.
His brother is leaning on the bedroom doorframe. They’re alone for now. Ty is taking a shower.
This is it. He can make his plea. “You know what,” Rian mumbles weakly.
Cyril sighs. “Ri, you need to be patient. I can't just up and quit. We had a plan, remember?”
“You had a plan. I don't need you to do this anymore. Just come home.”
Cy gives him a gentle look and crosses the distance between them, crouching at Rian’s feet.
“The choice wasn't yours to make,” Cyril mutters as he takes Rian's hands in his.
This gentle, soothing approach doesn’t help at all. It only reminds Rian, of what he will be left without. Alone. Again.
No matter how hard he tries to act like the adult he is supposed to be, Rian is close to losing his shit. He doesn’t understand why Cyril insists on going back. Arguing with his brother about his reluctance to retire always brings out a multitude of suppressed emotions – fear, uncertainty, regret, guilt, anxiousness, and a special type of helpless anger Rian has for himself.
Rian can’t help but think it’s all his fault.
Cy doesn’t budge. He loves Rian. This much is true. Rian knows it. But why is it so damn hard for him to stay?
Cyril kisses Ri’s knuckles. He cups his face with his free hand, “You'll always be my home, Rian. I’ll always come back to you. I love you, but I regret nothing. If I could go back, I’d still choose your happiness over all else. Seeing you work hard to accomplish your dreams, makes me content. I’d give you everything I have to give. Always.”
“Look at me! Do I look fucking happy? I need you. Please, Cyril. Please stay!”
Cyril leans closer, “Rian, I…”
Nothing. At last, his brother has run out of words to placate him.
Rian looks around their tiny shitty apartment. He is so frustrated, angry, and utterly helpless.
What more could he possibly say to his brother to convince him to stay?
Fuck.
Rian’s eyes land on Cyril again and it fucking hurts to look at him. They are so close to achieving their dream. Rian graduated, and they’ve already saved a little bit over fifty thousand dollars for a house deposit. Rian was still doing mostly internships, but he worked on the weekend and nights earning enough to get by until he finally begins getting paid for his creative work. Cy didn't need to go. They could figure this out.
Rian takes another ragged breath. “Please, Cy. Every time you go, I... I don't know if I could survive it if something happened to you.”
“It’ll be okay ––”
“You don't know that! Fuck, Cy! You can’t promise me shit like that!”
“If anything ever happens to me ––”
“If anything ever happens to you?! Nothing you tell me now would ever matter if that possibility came to be. Okay? You are not in control of everything! I need to know if there is an end-game plan here. I need to know when you’ll be coming home for good. Do you think you can keep talking your way out of this forever and ever?! No! Last year you said ––”
Rian cries out distraught. He is hyperventilating, sobbing, and shouting way louder than he intends to. Ty would have heard him for sure by now, but he doesn't care anymore.
“Ri, breathe! Please! Calm down, honey, please.” Cy hasn't moved from his place and continues holding Rian’s hands. He gently wipes away Ri’s tears with his thumb.
Cyril calmly implores him, “Please don’t cry, Rian. It breaks my heart to see you like this.”
