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Sebastian sighs. “I gave her the money. I was ready to leave. There was nothing more we could say to each other to fix our lives. She wasn’t really there. But I couldn’t move. I was pinned to the filthy floor of her motel room, looking at this sad human that was supposed to be the one nurturing and protecting me. I knew there was no point asking, but I did it anyway. In a desperate attempt to understand her, I demanded to know, why? Why was she doing this to herself? Who hurt her? What happened to her, to cause her pain that could not be healed? What was she so desperately trying to forget?
“She told me the story, while she was texting a dealer. She didn’t even pause to look at me. She said that her brother Harris had taken her to a party upon his return from his initial training, just before his first deployment. He snuck her out of the family home. Once they got to the house of his friend, he disappeared into a crowd of boozed-up friends. He had left her to her own devices, and as an eager sixteen-year-old that had been just fine by her. A few of her girlfriends had been there as well, so they spent the night dancing and flirting.
“Someone slipped a pill into her drink. Her friends had moved on to making out with boys, while my mother was quietly taken away from the party, completely out of it. She was drugged and brutally raped. She woke up hours later, abandoned in one of the old mines on the Kelly property, buried in a shallow grave, covered in branches and debris. Whoever dumped her there, thought she was dead.
“She dragged herself home bruised and bloodied. She pleaded with her parents to take her to the hospital and contact the police. She was convinced one of the men that hurt her was someone Harris had introduced her to earlier that night. She insisted they call the authorities and allow them to search the mine and the property for evidence. They refused.
“Harris denied having any idea what she was talking about. He had gone as far as to lie and say he had never been there, and this was something my then sixteen-year-old mother had brought upon herself with her irresponsible behavior. She argued and pleaded but it was no use. She couldn’t stay there. She packed a bag and left. Her parents didn’t try to stop her, choosing Harris over her.
“She was on the street suddenly, soon to find out she was pregnant with me. Dad met her while volunteering at a shelter for the homeless, when she was already six months along. In his naïve mind, he thought marriage could fix this nightmare. That it was his duty to involve himself in this mess and help her.
“He couldn’t do anything to Harris without completely destroying my mother. Instead, they chose to stay away from the Kelly family and raise me. My father never made me feel like I was lovedless. He was an amazing human. A fantastic parent. I fucking miss him every day. My biggest fear is…if he were alive today, he’d probably be so ashamed of what I’ve done with my life. Of the man I’ve become.”
Sebastian takes another labored breath. His hands are shaking, and he can’t bring himself to fully face Cyril and Tayida.
“I didn’t fucking believe her. I couldn’t. I ran out of there and spilled my guts on the street. Her lies made me sick. I didn’t know why she would make that shit up if I had already given her the money.
“I didn’t tell anyone about it. I refused to think about it. But from the moment her words had crawled out of her mouth, they were buried in my brain like leeches. I had to know if what she told me was a lie. I convinced myself that once I proved that she was high off her head, making up stories to make me feel sorry for her, I could move on. The next time she called, I would saynoand never feel guilty about denying her cash or whatever else she might ask of me. I would know then that is not my mother calling. That I have no mother. Once I proved she was a liar, I would mourn her, as if she were dead, and move on with my life.”
Sebastian slowly turns around to face them. Ty is feeling sick to his stomach for him. He wants to stop him and reassure him that they will help him endure this pain that eats at him like a parasite, but he knows this wound has to bleed out first before it can heal.
Sebastian is sick again and his face is contorted with pain as he tries desperately to control his convulsing body. Cyril takes hold of him, cleaning his face, and taking off his filthy jacket, replacing it with his own.
Cy pulls him to his chest. “I believe you. I feel your pain. I’m here. I won’t let go.” Cy mutters in Sebastian’s hair, over and over and over again. “I won’t let you go.”
Ty watches on in disbelief angry at himself, that he hasn’t bothered to look beyond Sebastian’s bitter temper, beyond his intense acts of passive-aggressive behavior, and see how broken he really is. How devastatingly alone. Just like Ty had been.
Soon, Cy has to support Sebastian upright with all his strength, scooping him in his arms.
Sebastian mutters quietly “I didn’t tell Harris what I had found out. I went straight to my grandparents. My grandfather confirmeda versionof the story my mother had told me. They were firmly convinced, that the account of events as told by Harris is the true one.
“I was ready to believe my grandparents. Ready to live in denial. Ready to embrace the lies, until my grandfather casually added that it had been very rich of my mother to show up bloodied and bruised, covered in dirt, staging her assault. It had been obvious, even back then, that she was lying. Luckily, she saved them all the embarrassment and left the family home on her own.
“He was daft enough to tell me exactly where my mother had claimed she’d been left for dead. I knew the place immediately. It was near a mine shaft Harris had forbidden me to ever go to.
“Once I got to the area and climbed down the rickety old metal ladder, it didn’t take me long to find the first remains and shortly after many others. I was fucking horrified. Did my grandparents know about this, or were they completely oblivious? Were they all victims of Harris? A mass murderer amid the highest ranks of the Army. A monster so vile and manipulative, he’s found a way to thrive in an organization designed to bring justice to those who are unable to fight for it themselves.
“I had strength enough to stop all communication. Cutting off the Kellys was easy – they never cared anyway. But Harris refused to let me go.
“Harris followed me here. He knew I had spoken with Kelly Senior. Perhaps he knows I’ve seen his terrible collection of corpses. Maybe he suspects I did all of that because I want to expose him. And I do. I really fucking do. I can’t confront him, yet. I’m not ready. I can’t … say the words. I’m scared. Harris Kelly. Will. Kill. Me.
“I wish I wasn’t so fucking alone in this. I’m fucking sick of trusting the wrong people.” Sebastian’s sobs are heart-wrenching.
“If I say it…I think…I feel… he never cared…it was all an act. He got close to me, only because he wanted to make sure he had me in his pocket. That I wouldn’t tell a single soul about what he had done to my mother. That by abandoning her, I validated his own version of events and pushed her further down the shallow grave he had tried to bury her in years ago. That taking the drugs he gave me, and throwing myself in the mindless orgies, was just another way to keep me captive and subdued. Every day pushing me just a little bit further down the bottom until I would finally snap and lose my mind just like my mother.”
Sebastian takes a deep breath, and that is the last of him. He faints in Cy’s arms. Cyril has to practically scoop him and tuck him to his chest, cradling him in his arms like a child. He’s slowly rocking him running his fingers through Sebastian’s sweaty hair. “You were so brave, Sebastian. You did it. I’m so proud of you.”
Hours later, Cyril is sitting perfectly still, holding on to Sebastian, looking away into the darkness, tears streaming down his face. His ragged breath tears at Ty’s heart.
“Cy…” Tayida whispers and his friend moves closer to him, seeking solace in his reassuring touch. Tayida throws his arm around his shoulders supporting his weight and Sebastian’s. They brace for another long sleepless night.
* * *
When the morning comes,Sebastian has long left their arms. No, he is not himself, but he is trying to stand on his own two feet, and he seems to have reached a decision. Ty waits patiently without invading his personal space. This bond between them, if Sebastian chooses to nurture it, the initiative must come from him. There is no doubt in Ty’s mind that he and Cyril are ready to embrace him and support him in any way Sebastian needs it.
As they get ready to start the long trek back to base, Sebastian seems to have settled somewhat emotionally, although Ty knows he’s mostly trying to look strong. He reaches for Ty, seeking his attention. There is one last thing he needs to get off his chest.
“Back in training, I was jealous of you. I was lashing out, blaming you for things you had no hand in. I watched you day after day, growing closer to Cyril. I was livid I could never have that. I hated you because I thought … because I wanted…because Cyril was so amazing and so good. Such a person would never take a second look at someone like me. I knew I was fucked up. I was rotten and wasted. But I wanted him, nonetheless. I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at you. I wanted Cyril to want me too. But he never did. From day one, he only had eyes for you.
