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Dear Ty,
I know it’s been a while, but I hope we can still talk.
Shit.
I should have written to you sooner, but I swear I had no idea which way was up or down while Cyril was in the hospital, and after…I needed you so badly, Tayida. I still do. You are all that’s left of Cyril.
I’m sorry, I know I’m being selfish here. You’re probably not…I don’t know what I’m even asking of you, but I suppose I hope you don’t forget about me. I hope we find it in ourselves to stay in touch and talk about him so that the memory of Cyril will never fade away.
I’m sorry I didn’t say any of this at the funeral. I think this is the first time I have actually been able to think straight for weeks now. I’m still hurting, but at least I’m not alone.
Harris has been very supportive, and I think this thing between us could become something. He seems like a decent person, but I’d rather… Do you think Cyril would have approved? I keep wondering why he had never mentioned him before.
I’m sorry this is silly. You don’t need to…It’s not important in the least. I don’t even know…
I guess what I’m trying to say is, that I miss him so much, Ty. I know it in my heart you are the only other person in this world that understands how much it hurts to know that Cyril is gone forever.
I’m sorry for asking this, for even suggesting it…please don’t be a stranger. I feel for you like you are a dear part of him. A living piece of my brother. Please know that I consider you my family and I’m always here for you. Anything you need. Please don’t shut me out.
I still love you. I always will.
I can accept the fact that you don’t feel the same way about me, as your goodbye note clearly stated. I’m sorry if I made you feel like we couldn’t be there for each other, because of my poorly timed love confession.
Frankly, I don’t even…Shit! I don’t even know what I said to you at the service. I wish I hadn’t been dozed to the gills with Valium so I could remember what I said to you at the funeral.
Harris couldn’t tell me either.
He told me you gave him a note for me, and then left abruptly looking quite upset.
I’m so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I can only imagine…I’m sorry Ty. Please forgive me.
I hope you are well,
Love,
Rian
* * *
AUGUST 2019
When Ty getshis hands on a rumpled old issue of one of the magazines that have covered the wedding in great detail, he loses his mind and tears it to bits. The second copy doesn’t fare much better, but at least he is calm enough to look through the pages first.
Rian looks radiant and beautiful as always, his fingers laced with Harris's as they exit the small chapel their supposedly intimate wedding has taken place. It had been nearly a year ago, as the date of the article indicates. Judging by the number of publications that have covered the ceremony, it must have been a highly publicized affair.
Rian's hair has been tamed and styled back in gentle waves, but this only puts emphasis on his incredibly beautiful face – his creamy skin is flushed lightly, and the few beauty spots he has around his mouth and on the cupid bow of his lips make him look exquisite.
His shy smile, as he looks at his husband, infuriates Ty, enough for him to fucking want to go on a murder rampage.Harris doesn’t deserve Rian to look at him, let alone vow to love him.
But most of all, Ty is angry at himself. For being a fool and wasting so much time, daydreaming, and dreading rejection, rather than going for the man he loves.
His tardiness and reluctance have doomed them both to suffering.
Knowing what he does now is eating him alive.
