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I flip him off, but it makes him smile wider.
Shep nudges me with his elbow. “What’s the question, kid?”
Peel the bandage, pal.
“So Mia and I have a complicated past.”
I quickly bring Sawyer up to speed, telling him about our one-night stand before she came to Redleg, leaving out the part where she used me as a mark.
For some reason, I want to protect her from any harsh judgment. I’m already working on forgiving her. I don’t want the others to have to forgive her too. Like the rest of Redleg, Sawyer is family, and he’d take issue with her treating me like an op.
“That first night, things werenormalbetween us.” I glance at Shep, lowering my chin. “Vanilla. But amazing.” I clear my throat, trying to focus my thoughts and get to the point. “Then she gets the job I wanted, and I didn’t know she was coming to Redleg. It caught me off guard, and I was angry with her.”
I cut my gaze at Shep, and the way he’s eyeing me tells me he knows I’m refraining from throwing her fully under the bus.
Shaking it off, I continue, “Once we finally gave in and stuff happened again, I was totally different. Something inside me snapped, and it sort of scared me. I’m bringing it up tonight because I need reassurance, guidance, orsomething. I don’t want to get into all the details, but perhaps you can tell me where to turn for more information. The internet on this topic is sketchy, at best, and I’m unsure of what to believe.” I pull in a large swell of air and force it out quickly. “I mean, I was an entirely different man. I need to know if it’s okay or if there’s something wrong with me?”
“Different how?” Sawyer asks, his voice free of his typical levity.
“I was mean to her. Not violent. But I wanted to punish her. I ordered her around, said some dirty shit, did some other stuff I’ve never done, and Ireallyfucking liked it.”
Not mentioning the cock slapping.That secret stays between us, got it?
Shep stops me, tapping my forearm. “Pause right there, buddy. Consent. Did you have her explicit consent?”
“Oh yeah. She was totally on board.”
“I’m talking about verbal consent.” Shep presses, eyes boring into me. “Not just her seeming into it. No coercion either.”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes,” I answer again, more emphatically this time. “I’m all about consent, man. She was a hundred percent into it. Before we started, I told her I would be very different with her than the last time, and she was down with it. She said it’s what she wanted. Hell, I stopped at one point, but she asked for more and encouraged me to go farther.”
“Good. Because what you’re talking about sounds like Dom/sub stuff. And with that, open communication and consent areeverything. You have to talk about what’s going to happen. You need clear lines. Both of you must be on the same page without any lingering questions or gray areas. And she needs to be able to stop you at the first sign of a line being crossed. A safe word. Some signal you agree upon beforehand. Anything. And if she gives you the signal, you stop immediately. No hard feelings. No punishments for stopping. Nothing. You have to shift instantly into aftercare and recovery mode.” He snaps his fingers. “Immediately. Untie her, take whatever is on or in her out, comfort her, hold her, reassure her, wrap her in a blanket and sit her on your lap, talk to her, let her cry, get her some water, whatever you need to do to make her comfortable and happy.”
Shit.I should have thought about a safe word.
“Okay. I can do that.”
Shep’s tone deepens. “And above all, the sub is in control, even if you’re in charge of the scene. Do you get me?”
“Yeah, I get it. Makes sense.”
For the first time, his voice dips into uncomfortable territory. “This next question might push the lines of our friendship, but I care for you both and need to know you’re being safe.”
“Okay.”
“Earlier, you mentioned punishing her. Can you explain what you meant without gettingoverlyspecific? I don’t need a visual. But are you talking about causing physical pain? Or denying her? Or is it verbal degradation? Keep in mind, a good Dom shouldnevertake their frustrations out on their partner. Her well-being should always be paramount. So punishing her out of anger is a no-go.”
I take a moment to sift through my memories, going back to that night at her house. I was angry with Mia, but not in that moment. I was enamored with her that night. Blown away by how smart and selfless she was when it came to saving Lettie. The punishment was more of a repressed need to dominate her that erupted from deep inside me.
“Although I was angry with herpriorto that night, I wasn’t during our time together. It was more of a primal thing. As if my body was responding to our situation or her in general. I wanted her to surrender control to me. It’s hard to explain.”
Sawyer’s expression is impassive as he observes the exchange between Shep and me.
Shep nods reassuringly. “Okay, not being angry in that moment is a good thing. The control bit makes sense in your case since I remember you saying that you were blindsided. You wanted to regain control because you were in a position with her outside the bedroom where you had none. Now, what type of punishment are we talking about?”
