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“What does the letter say?”
“When the time comes that she is no longer able to live on her own safely or care for herself, she wants us to sell the house, keep half of the funds to split between us for our inheritance, and take the rest to pay for a live-in dementia facility. That, plus her retirement savings and Dad’s survivor benefits, should be enough to cover a few years of care.”
My body stiffens as I lurch from my seat. “Sell the house? No fucking way! There is no way she’d want to do that.”
“It’s true. Why would I lie?”
Caroline’s a good person. She was raised by the same people as me, marinating in love and honesty all her life.
But I don’twantto believe her. Even if she has the letter written by our mother.
“I know you wouldn’t lie,” I concede. “But the house? I can’t. I won’t.”
“It’s going to hurt; I won’t deny that. She’s ready to go whenever we decide. She won’t fight us. She doesn’t want you to give up your life and the chance for a family. Shedetestedthe idea of you sacrificing more than you already have.” Caroline pauses, then adds, “She said the thought of you having to change her diapers and bathe her was more than she could bear. Although it makes her sad to sell the house, she’s accepted that now is the time.”
No, no, no, no.
I wrap my arms around my midsection as violent emotions batter me from all sides. “I can’t do it. I can’t put her in one of those places. I know they aren’t all bad, but the thought of her alone there… it’s too much. And sell the house too? I can’t.”
“You won’t do it alone. I’ll come down in a few weeks. I’ve already talked to Grant, and he’s taking a week off work to watch the kids. You and I will get the house on the market, handle all the banking shit, and then we’ll scour the town to find the best place for her. And if we can’t find one near Clearwater that’s good enough, we’ll move her to Atlanta. Surely there’s a facility here where they’ll love and care for her properly. And I’d be here to check in on her regularly. We can do this. It’ll suck ass, but we’ll do it together. This is what she needs from us.”
I want to give Ma what she wants, but I refuse to let her make this decision because of guilt over my sacrifices. That’s my choice to make. I’ll decide what I’m willing to give up for her. If that means sacrificing my chance at love, so be it.
Even if I want a wife to cherish and a family of my own, I can’t have that at the expense of my mother facing the rest of her days, months, or years surrounded by strangers, confused and scared.
Mia’s face appears unprompted in my mind, and I blink to clear my vision. This isn’t the time for thoughts of her.
Caroline’s sigh sounds pained, like she’s humming. Shit. This isn’t going to be good. What else is she going to pile on?
“She knows what happened. I told her.”
“What?”
I hope she’s not talking about what I think she’s talking about.
“She could have died, Cal. She was over a mile from home, wandering on a busy street. That could have ended way worse than it did. We got lucky.”
“I’m aware of how serious it was. After all, I’m the one who raced out of work to find her.” My voice is terse with the anguish and fury blending like a mosaic inside me.
“I know. And meanwhile, I was here, unable to help and bouncing off the walls. You’re not the only one who loves her and doesn’t want to see her suffer.”
Memories of the panic I felt while racing through town that day bombard my senses, jarring and agonizing.
If something happens to her because I’m too weak to do the hard thing, I’ll never forgive myself.
There’s no choice left to be made.
All that’s left for me to do is surrender.
So I do.
“I’ll talk to her this week, sis. I promise.”
I can’t pretend this away or avoid it any longer. There’s simply no more time on the clock; the buzzer has sounded. No cures. No more treatments to explore. There’s no bargain I can strike to save her. There’s no deity I can pray to who can make this go away.
Nothing will stop the disease from abducting her consciousness and destroying her before our eyes, one painful moment at a time. One forgotten word, followed by another, until there are none left.
Until nothing of my mother remains except the shell of her body, familiar and foreign to our eyes all at once.
