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Jonah stalked away to the griffin exhibit, clearly annoyed by Joseph’s antics. Even as kids, they always needed ten feet of space between them, with me serving as the dutiful buffer.
“That’s evading the question,” Joseph pressed, his curiosity evident.
Wings flapped ahead of us, showing the eagle-headed, lion-bodied griffins landing from flight.
“Yeah, they have tried to kill me,” I confessed.
With bird feed in hand, Joseph reached into the exhibit, only for a sharp beak to snap at him.
“They want meat, Joseph,” Jonah said, handing him a piece of jerky. “Use your brain.”
“No, you use your brain!”
The griffins inched forward, eyeing them both with interest. It was just as Professor Ansi said. Any discordance or bickering drew the ire of demons, who sought to strike at your most vulnerable.
“Well, why are you still here, then?” Jonah asked, dodging Joseph’s attempts to snatch his jerky.
“Because they didn’t succeed,” I said.
I was struck by how true that statement was. Everything I’d gone through so far, and I was not afraid to talk about it. Because I survived.
“Do you even like being in a place where you could die all the time?” Joseph asked.
“It has its benefits.” My friends. Learning new things. Shadow training and not hiding.
Watching them whirl around each other, a pang of homesickness almost overwhelmed me. I missed seeing my siblings grow up. It was lonesome, watching them fight from the sides when just a few months ago, I would have joined in.
“You’re frowning. Are you lying?” Jonah asked.
He’d always been the most like dad. The smart one, the observant, astute one.
“No… it’s just different, realizing you guys are growing up without me.”
And I was growing up without them. Forging my path, fine-tuning my identity… I’d done more personal growth in these past months than I had in my entire life.
“Do you want to drop out, then?” Jonah continued.
“No!” At their confused faces, I went on. “I never thought… that I could love college enough to see it as my haven.”
My home. My hearth. My haven or my haunt, depending on who I was speaking to.
“I really feel like… I hate to admit it, but Mom was right. Aether is where I’m meant to be.”
A griffin plummeted down, aiming for a snack, and I caught it by the neck. Joseph and Jonah stared at me in shock as I redirected the wriggling beast, thankful for my honed reflexes.
After checking to see that nobody besides family was around, I sent my shadows along the enclosure line, feeling for the break, then slammed the griffin back through. It let out a squeak of consternation as it tumbled back into its enclosure.
When I hugged my siblings goodbye at the exit, I had no regrets.
If I wanted to give up, now would be the time. I could go home with my siblings, and it would be like I never came. I’d save myself before round two of recruitment, where cuts would be the most intense. Eliminate myself before the competition did. That way, I would never have to feel the weight of my failure.
My shadows writhed with the thought. Ditching was the safe option. The path of least destruction and most stability.
An explosion of shadows wouldn’t end with my expulsion. My skin could bask in its hideous glory. In an online school, Luna Deokhye would be perfectly sequestered from the comfort of home.
But my mother would always know I gave up. And she would be disappointed, and I would never feel the shoddy warmth of her half-baked approval again. Even if I ran from her physical presence, I could never hide from her spying reach, her lingering effects on my psyche.
Yet a smaller part of me thought that maybe… my mom was actually right. That I needed to prove I belonged here. That I wanted to be here. And amidst the chaos, uncertainty, and peril, I would miss this place if I were to leave.
