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My eyes flip up to hers. I’m still reeling over his salary, and she wants to know if I’m going to take him for a ride? “No, Charlee! That’s a thirty-two-million-dollar penis!” Probably worth every damn penny, too.
“Expensive dick aside, for the last three days you’ve been whining about how much you like him. I’m impressed and quite frankly proud of you for finally admitting how bad you’ve got it for him. He told you he likes you, which means the feelings are mutual.
Dropping my gaze, I watch the way my fingers drum the desk. “I’m pretty sure that Vivi interrupting us was a sign.”
She nods. “I agree. A sign that you shouldn’t fuck when your toddler niece is down the hall. That was the sign.” She shrugs simply. “Now she won’t be down the hall. You can be as loud and as rough as you want.”
“He doesn’t really like me,” I murmur. “He just got caught up in the moment.”
Even as I say the words, I’m not sure I believe them. It was in the way he studied me so intently, brows drawn together, like he was trying to figure me out, or maybe his feelings. I can understand that, at least, because I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings for him since he walked into the brewery that fateful Monday and I realized he wasn’t going to be a man that I just kissed and would never see again.
It’s not that I don’t want him, that there’s no part of me that doesn’t want to see where this has the potential to go. But I just can’t. I’m falling. I know that now, after everything on Saturday. Hard and fast. Avery may think he likes me, but chances are, after he has me, the feeling fades and he realizes I’m just another girl. There’s nothing special about me, and I don’t really want to be around when he figures that out, just like Aaron did.
I glance up at Charlee when I realize she’s been silent for a long time.
“What?” I ask quietly, my cheeks warming as my nerves get the best of me, wondering about the expression she wears, a mixture of disappointment, grief, and exhaustion.
Her mouth twitches with a small frown as she shakes her head. “I just hate what Aaron did to you. And I’m not talking about cheating, though I also hate that. I’m talking about the way he knocked down your self-esteem to the point that you can’t fathom that Avery would actually have real feelings for you despite his words, which he’s adamantly backing up with his actions. That you’re not allowing yourself to give into happiness and the possibility of new love, all because you’re afraid it’ll be pulled out from underneath you at any moment. You’re living your life waiting for your next heartbreak. I hate that Aaron did that to you.”
I know she’s right; it’s not even up for debate. The problem is that I don’t know how to change that. I thought it would be easy to get rid of him. And he might be physically gone, but the effects he’s left on my brain, my body, my heart are lasting, and maybe permanent.
I don’t want to give him that control over me, let him own these parts of me. I need him to take that shame and dread and self-doubt and get the fuck out.
But it’s so much easier said than done. The damage is done, etched into me.
Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll ever find my way back to myself.
***
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Claire
“Good evening, Miss Thompson.” The doorman at the foot of the building sweeps me inside, leading me over to the elevator.
“How do you know I’m Miss Thompson?” I ask while I wait, watching the numbers creep down as the elevator makes its way to me. My fingers are tapping away a random, irritating beat on my messenger bag, because—surprise, surprise—the walk over here did absolutely nothing to clear my head or steel my spine. I thought the fresh air would be good for me. Instead, I sucked in every breath the way I did my inhaler after my cross-country meets back in elementary school.
He gives me a sheepish smile. “Mr. Beck, uh…he described you to a T.” He gestures to my hair. “Your hair, and your, uh, freckles.” His anxious chuckle is oddly endearing. “Plus, I remember you from the first time you were here. Can’t forget a smile like yours.”
I smile back at him. He’s sweet and friendly; his face says it all. “Thank you, Kirk,” I murmur, eyeing his name tag as I climb into the elevator.
My heart thuds as the elevator climbs to the forty-first floor. Is everyone this nervous when they’re on the way to see their crush, or is it just me? Also, what if I need to get out of here quickly and the elevator’s all the way downstairs? What will I have to do—run down forty-one flights? I’m wearing three goddamn inches on my feet. Why is Avery up so high?
The elevator dings, doors sweeping open, and I’m greeted by a ridiculously jovial Wyatt.
“Well, hey there, sweet thing,” he says with amusement glittering in his soft eyes, scooping me into his arms for a hug.
“Can’t you stay?” I kind of whine.
He chuckles in my ear before he pulls away. “Scared of being alone with him, eh?”
“Psssh.” I wave him off. “Of course not.” Terrified.
“No toddler to chaperone? There’s no telling what might happen,” he says with the flick of his brows over his wide baby blues.
“Oh, shut up.” I shove him on the shoulder and strut by him. “I thought I liked you, Wyatt.”
His grin is devilish as he disappears behind the elevator doors, his words following me down the hall. “Have fun!”
