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“Despite the beer drinking and girl watching, I graduated SMU summa cum laude. I set up my consulting service, and it took off. I’ve never failed to achieve anything I’ve attempted.” He took a stuttering breath. “Except for the one time when it was a matter of life and death. I failed to stop that goddamn bullet.”
She whispered, “I’ve asked you not to do that to yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”
“No?”
“You were trying to save him.”
“Yeah, and that might have been what got him killed. I keep thinking that maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to be a hero. You know? My natural inclination has always been to take charge, get her done, make it happen, whateveritwas. After the first gunshot, that instinct took over.
“Maybe, if I’d dropped like I was yelling for everyone else to do, if only I’d stayed put…” He looked at her helplessly. “Instead, I lunged up and chased after Charlie’s stroller. That action might have been what drew fire toward us.”
Elle covered her face with her hands. She felt remorse for the guilt he carried, but more than a few times she also had called into question his spontaneous action and the ramifications of it.
She didn’t blame him for his valor, but the “what-ifs” were innumerable and unsurmountable. Each was an obstacle between them. She feared they always would be.
Lowering her hands, she met his tormented eyes. “Because of the fateful circumstances of Charlie’s death, I think you genuinely feel an emotional connection to me. But you’re mistaking the nature of it, Calder. You’re mistaking it for being—”
“Sexual.”
“Yes.”
“No. There’s no mistaking this.” He flicked his hand toward his pelvis. “I feel an emotional connection to everybody who was affected by that shooting, but I don’t think about them around the clock, and thoughts of them don’t keep my right hand busy at night.”
She rolled her lips inward, then tried again. “Your relationship with Shauna has suffered—”
“Died.”
“This development in the investigation has further embroiled us. It’s another shackle that’s keeping us from moving on. I resent it. I know you must, too. You’re dealing with a lot of—”
“Shit.”
“Yes! That’s my point. It’s only natural that you would turn to someone who relates to how it feels when your world, the life you knew and gloried in, disintegrates within seconds.”
He waited, seeming to consider all that, then said, “Valid points, Elle. Seen from your perspective, I get where you’re coming from. But theonlyreason I went to that group therapy meeting yesterday was in the hope that you’d be there. I couldn’t think of another way to see you that wouldn’t look contrived.
“After the time we spent together last night, I had to see you again, andnotbecause I wanted understanding. I didn’t want to wait for the next group session, but I needed another plausible excuse for tracking you down. That’s when I thought of your book. Perfect. I went to the bookstore between moving out of my condo this morning and going to the precinct this afternoon.”
“You’d already bought the book when we saw each other there? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have signed it then.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I was holding it as my ticket to seeing you again.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I grant you that it is bad, bad, bad timing. The complexity of the situation, how freaking bizarre it is, doesn’t escape me. I can see how you might think that I’m confusing emotions. I swear I’m not.
“For two months, sixty-something days and nights, I’ve thought of you. I’ve fantasized about a hundred things we could do together, and I believe the attraction is mutual.” Lowering his voice, he added, “When we held each other last night, we generated heat.”
She gave a small but noncommittal nod.
He tilted his head toward the hallway behind him. “And you did—briefly—kiss me back.”
With a slight motion of her shoulders, she conceded that also.
“Right. In my sex fantasies, you are into it as much as I am. In my daydreams, you don’t let the complicating tie that binds us keep us from tearing our clothes off.” He must’ve read the shock in her expression, because he added, “Oh yeah. I’ve imagined us like that. A lot. As recently as when I looked into your bedroom and saw your bed.”
He paused, shifted his stance, changed his tone of voice. “But if for one second you doubt my reason for wanting you that way, then it’s not happening, Elle. I don’t do one-sided sex, and I sure as hell don’t want you doing me a favor out of compassion.”
His monologue had made her feverish. The wanting he professed wasn’t at all one-sided. She longed to walk over to him and resume the kiss that she had halted. She wanted to take it further. Take it to her bed.
She had to force herself to say what she felt she must. “As things are, while we’re having to deal with so much right now, I think it would be a mistake to add… that.”
He looked at her for a long moment, then nodded. “Take care of yourself.” With no more than that, he walked out.
