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I can tell how uncomfortable this conversation is making him, but I really need to know where we stand. I can’t take this not knowing and wondering if there’s a future for us together, or if we need to part ways.
“Spencer, I’m fucking crazy about you, but I’m not sure about the future. I mean, it’s still really early to know whether or not we could go the distance and I do want kids, but I don’t think I want them just yet. Yes, The Tavern is doing really well, but it still takes up a lot of my time in an already busy schedule. And when I’m not there, chances are we’ll have Pat, too.”
“I understand that, I really do, but that’s another fear that I have that Bi pointed out. You’re married to your job and to your family, which I totally get, but sometimes you need to shift your priorities and it doesn’t seem like you’re willing or want to do that for someone in your future. I spent years making sure everyone around me was doing okay and finding their happiness. Yes, it made me happy, but I’m ready to hand over the reins and let someone else want those things for me, too.”
“Damnit, Spencer. I don’t fucking know how to do all of that, okay. I don’t think I want to be married, maybe ever, and I know I’m not ready to have kids. I’m sorry if that’s not something you want to hear, but it’s just not a commitment that I can make.”
Maverick slides his chair out and starts pacing the kitchen as he runs his fingers through his hair before pausing to stare at me. I can’t quite decipher his expression, but I really don’t expect what comes out of his mouth next.
“Maybe I’m not the man for you, Spencer. I fucking adore you, but I’m not ready to make the leap that you want. Sure, I can see those pictures you described to me in your head, but I don’t even know if we would make it to most of them. I don’t want you to resent me for being at the bar while you are home taking care of kids on your own. I know you should be my number one priority, but I can’t guarantee that.”
I’m crushed as he says this, and I can feel myself pulling back into my protective shell. I pull my knees up to my chest and stretch my robe across my body.
“So, where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know, but we’ll figure something out. “
“But when, Mav? I’m not getting any younger. It’s like I can hear my internal alarm clock going off telling me that the time to have babies is starting to run out. I don’t want to have the anxiety of maybe getting pregnant and having a baby and not really seeing each other because the job comes first.”
“Fuck, I really don’t want to do this, but I feel like I have to.”
Maverick blows out a breath and runs his hands down his face. He won’t make eye contact with me, so I know whatever he has to say isn’t going to be good.
“Um, I think we should break up. I can’t give you what you want, and you deserve to have all of your hopes and dreams come true. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you everything you want and it’s not fair to keep dragging you along while I try to figure my shit out.”
By this point I’m a wreck. There’s no hiding my crying, but I don’t want too either. I understand where he’s coming from, but I don’t know why he won’t even take a chance on me. I try to pull myself together, but I can’t avoid melting into his embrace when I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist. We sit like that for at least an hour before I realize I cried myself to sleep and the only reason I woke up is because Maverick is carrying me upstairs.
I’m not ready to say goodbye to him, but I also know that I won’t be able to change his mind. He told me from the beginning that he didn’t want the same things as me, and I reiterated it back to him knowing he wasn’t going to be my forever love. I just never thought I would be one of those girls who thought she’d be the one to change his ways.
Maverick gently lays me in my bed before tucking the covers around me and kissing my forehead. His lips linger as if he isn’t ready to pull away yet, either.
“Please believe me when I say the last thing I want to do is leave you like this, but I need to go get ready for the festival. Take care of yourself, okay Sweets?”
I nod, but I can feel the sleep pulling me under and it’s too hard to resist as the man I love is about to walk out of my life. He leans over and gives me one more kiss. I don’t know if I say it out loud or if it’s in my head, but there’s only one thing left to tell him before he leaves and crushes us both.
“I love you, Maverick.”
Chapter Nineteen
Maverick
I’mhalfwayacrossSpencer’sroom when I’m frozen in my tracks.
“I love you, Maverick.”
Holy fuck. I know she’s almost asleep, but those three words are almost enough to make me turn back around and beg Spencer to forget everything I just said and take me back. I don’t know how I find the will to walk away, but I’m at the front door before I realize this is probably the last time I’ll be in Spencer’s house.
The thought of never coming over and seeing Spencer in her lounge clothes working on an art project, or dancing around the living room to music as she cleans, or waking up tangled up in her sheets with her is crushing. The only person to blame is myself, though.
I head home to get a quick shower and change before having to head to The Tavern to restock the beer wagon and get everything back over to the festival for what I’m sure will be another busy day. The last fucking thing I want to do right now is go socialize when my world is falling apart around me, but I can’t let everyone down.
I take the quickest shower I can before throwing clothes on, grabbing coffee, and racing out the door. I’d kill to be able to take my bike out, but I need my truck to get the beer wagon over to the festival.
I’m struggling on little to no sleep and am desperately waiting for the coffee to kick in when I finally make it to the back of the bar. Gage is waiting there for me, and as soon as he sees me, his eyebrows about hit his hairline.
“Damn, was the festival that busy or did Spencer keep you up all night?”
I appreciate his attempt to tease me, but I’m not even remotely close to being in the mood. I figure he already knows shit hit the fan last night, but I realize he was already gone before everything went down.
