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They did a scan that made me sob the moment I looked at it. It was black and white and mine. And Liam’s. I remembered that and sobbed even more. I thought for a moment that the universe was giving me something - something unwanted but still something of my own that would get me through the rest of my life, and then I remembered that he wasn't here, that I had no idea where he was, and that the blood meant that the universe was taking away the very thing it had gifted me. I hate that I don't have the choice to decide what I want to do. I hate that my body is taking that decision away from me. It feels like every choice I'm supposed to have in life is being and has always been taken away from me, and I'm not sure what choices I have left.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now when I feel so little and so much all at once.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Crow asks gently, his voice barely above a whisper as he peers up at me huddled on top of my blanket.
"Talk about what? I don't know what to think, let alone know what to say," I tell him honestly, the exhaustion from my mind’s exertion tiring my brain and body.
"Will you let me hold your hand? I just want to help you, comfort you," he insists as his eyes widen and offer me more comfort than any physical touch could.
"Will you cuddle with me until I fall asleep, please?" I plead as my eyes fill with tears, blurring the vision of him in front of me.
"Oh Char." He sighs as he manoeuvres us so that I'm in his arms under the cover. "I'd cuddle you every damn moment of the day if you'd let me."
His arms immediately offer me comfort as I turn and sob in his arms, appreciating more than ever the soft touch he allows me.
His hands roam between my tangled hair and my back, rubbing gently along the clothes covering my skin.
He holds me until the sobs subside and sleep takes over, all while whispering the sweetest things in my ear.
"Did you know that a baby stays with you, is a part of you even after you've lost it? Alice told me that," he tells me softly.
"Did you know that you're the bravest person I know?" he whispers.
"I'll always be here princess. I'll always be by your side," he promises.
"You'll never lose me, you'll never lose Liam, and you'll never truly lose this part of you," he assures me.
"You'll never lose the baby because it will always be yours," he reassures as he strokes my hair.
"You'll always remember and so will I and so long as we remember then it's never truly lost," he tells me as I cry harder and harder in his arms.
"We'll plant a seed, let a tree grow, and watch as it blooms just like you and your baby would have," he says kindly as he wipes my tears away.
"We can bake a cake, throw a party, and decorate the tree as it grows every year," he decides.
"Just because you hadn't decided if you wanted it or not, that doesn't mean that it's any less yours or any less loved. You would have loved it and so would Liam and so would I. Any part of you would be adored and cherished."
"Thank you." My sobs subside while I cling to his chest, listening to his voice and appreciating his calming melody and his presence more than ever.
Twenty-Seven
Charlie
Crow’s red Ferrari is waiting outside the house, but as I look inside for him, I notice that he’s not there.
I pull my phone from my pocket with the aim of texting him, but at the very same instant, I feel arms lifting me from behind. I have a moment of panic before recognising the smell… Crow.
I spin in his arms, a smile appearing despite my mellow mood. It feels like one of those reunions you see online. The tear-soaked eyes, hugs that are never ending, and the light inside the eyes of the people reuniting. That’s exactly how I feel. Like everything wrong is being lifted for just a moment as I wrap myself around Crow and squeeze him with every single bit of might I have inside of me. His arms are around my back, mine around his neck. He’s lifted me so high that my head is above his and as he looks up at me as he slowly releases me down, I remember every single reason why he’s both my best friend and everything more - because he makes me feel like this when it's the last way I think I deserve to feel.
I follow him to his car and find myself smiling again when he gives me a blanket to put over my lap and a hot water bottle for the pains that are slowly lessening.
Crow kept me smiling through times when I wasn’t sure I wanted to even be alive. He protected me from my demons, made sacrifice after sacrifice to make me happy, and did everything imaginable to keep me going.
“How about we get some bad food for lunch?” he asks, looking at me with a nervous smile.
“You love bad food," he says as he continues driving onto the back alleys.
“Where are we going?” I ask, wondering why he’s not going towards the main street where the usual restaurants and takeaway bars were located.
