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"You need to let go of his hand, princess. We need to get to your appointment. Your health is just as important as his," Crow tells me as I wish for a miracle and pray to a god I've never believed in.
Just let me be happy with them and I'll never ask for anything else again, I promise. Keep them both alive and happy and healthy. I promise not to ask for anything else. You can take me if you like, just don't take them. They deserve to live. To love. To heal.
I don't hear a voice or see a light, nor does any godly figure appear, and yet I hope that if anyone, someone or something is up there that they've heard my prayer and that I've done enough good in my life to have my prayer answered.
"Come on, Char. We need to go. We need to make sure you're ok." I let Crow guide me from the room, my hand in his as I curl up to his side, needing the closeness and comfort that him being near brings me.
I can't imagine a life without either of them. Without Liam or Crow. I know that one day I will be ok because that's what everyone says when someone dies. They say that one day, after years of healing, that you'll be ok but I don't want to be just OK. I want to be whole. I want to be the version of me that I am when I'm with them both.
"That's not possible. I've been bleeding so heavily that.. that just can't be right," I tell the doctor sitting opposite me at his desk. He must have got it wrong. Even doctors get things wrong.
"I checked three times, I found the heartbeat. I would assume that you were pregnant with twins and lost one of them. I'm so sorry."
My eyes jump from one place to another, not truly seeing anything as my mind attempts to take in the words he is saying to me. That's not right. I would know if I was pregnant. I would know, wouldn't I? I would know that. Of course, I would. But then, I remind myself, I didn't have a clue until I started bleeding and saw a doctor to confirm something I had absolutely no clue about so maybe I wouldn't know at all.
The doctor slides a scan image towards me, his eyes and face gentle and unassuming as he watches me for a reaction.
"Is that the baby?" I ask, my voice sky high and yet quiet as can be as I stare at the darkened image with curiosity.
"It is. You're not too far along, so there's not much to see but I saw a steady heartbeat and right now, that's the main thing we need." His voice is gentle, as if he's afraid that I'm about to break, though that assumption may not be wrong.
I pick up the image in front of me and watch as the doctor points out what the different shaded areas are. He shows me the heartbeat, the baby. My baby.
I had completely forgotten that Crow was at my side until he places his hand on my thigh and gives me a reassuring smile.
"I'll give you both a moment alone," the doctor says kindly as he exits the room and leaves me stunned and unsure of what to say.
When the very same doctor confirmed the loss, I had mourned. I had felt sorrow and sadness beyond measure. I hadn't even considered how I would have felt if I found out I was pregnant without the loss and yet here I am, my mind scattered and lost as I wonder how I'll cope. How I’ll be as a mum. I'll be packing lunch boxes and school bags, getting them dressed and bathed, taking them on trips to the beach and hikes, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
My whole world seems to freeze and turn on its axis, the future I had envisioned completely upturned and forgotten and yet there isn't any part of me that is saddened by that I realise as I look up to see Crow’s tentative smile.
"I'll help you. I know you know that but whatever happens with Liam, I'll be there to help you both. You, him, and the baby. I'm not leaving you, Charlie, I never will," he promises me as a hand floats to my still pudgy but flat stomach. I am going to be round. Oh god.
"What are you thinking?" Crow asks me as I stare into the space between us, my eyes unfocused and as unsure as my mind is.
"I'm going to get round," I tell him simply, honestly, the first thought that enters my mind or rather the most recent one.
"I really don't think that's what you need to be worrying about." Crow chuckles as he takes the scan picture out of my hand and looks at it.
"That's your baby, princess. What if it's another princess? Shit, I'll never cope with two of you." He huffs out with mocking amazement coating his face.
"Oh, shut up, we don't even know yet. It might be a mini me and end up ruling the world."
Thirty
Liam
My chest feels tight. As if it's wrapped in a bandage with a tonne of steel sat on me. I feel heavy and wonder why.
I force my eyes open and then it all comes back to me. My dad. Charlie. The knife.
Shit.
Well, I mean, I'm still here and that's got to count for something.
My eyes shoot down to the layers of dark hair on my lap. Charlie. Her face is turned in the other direction. I want to see her. I need to see her.
Fuck. I tried to make her kill me. I don't have much luck with women. I've never really tried to. I hadn't ever been interested in anything but a quick fuck before I saw Charlie as a woman for the first time. And then it all changed. And now I tried to make the one woman I had ever truly loved kill me.
