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Chapter 24
Klaus
Tuesday, one of her friends, Adrianna, phoned to say Jodie was shaky but good. Shaky? I fended off her questions and hung up when I could. They could think what they liked. If I said too much it might contradict whatever story Jodie made up.
The “shaky” description had me googling again though. Never, never trust your first google. Subdrop could last for days. I’d known friends with long-term depression. How could I tell if this was worse than a fleeting problem? I doodled holes in the notepad on my desk for a while. I couldn’t, could I? Not the way I’d severed all ties.
Half wondering if I was justifying something I longed to do anyway, I answered one of her emails.
If you need me for anything, Jodie. You can text me or email. Just nothing physical, though. No meeting. No chats online. Would you like to do that?
I waited nervously for her reply, checking my inbox every fifteen minutes until I saw her answer.
Yes. Thank you.
Those simple words sank into me like a stone settling to the bottom of a pool. My mind went quiet. I could have kissed the laptop screen.
I wasn’t sure what I’d been afraid of…that she’d suicide? Maybe. Guess I had. Guess I needed this contact as much as she did. Without it I’d be wondering what she was up to.
Her next email was simple, and one word: Why?
It took me an hour of typing and deleting a long and complex answer several times, before I gave in and mailed off my reply.
I’m afraid I will hurt you. I did hurt you at the play party.
Her answer arrived later that night.
Not really. No more than I liked. The party was amazing. If I did something wrong, please *please* tell me.
I read it over and over. She was still confused about my reasons. It seemed as if she’d forgotten what Kat had almost done to her. The terror on her face had been real. I knew it had. Should I bring it up if she’d forgotten? What justification did I have for such cruelty? None.
So I answered in general terms again. I told her, I stressed, that she’d done nothing wrong.
That she was sad and lost was clear – as clear as it was that I was the same. This was such a farce. A comedy of ridiculousness. Her next answer jolted me.
Jodie: Please come back.
Fuck. A fork in the eye had nothing on this. I needed a heart surgeon to come do some quick cutting. Right then, mine hurt so much, I’d rather have it out.
Me: No. You have to learn to stand on your own feet again.
What I was feeling – how thick I’d been thinking she was the only dependent one. This wasn’t one-sided. I wanted to be with her.
Then I tried to find out if she was eating and taking care of herself without being too specific.
Her answers were as non-specific as my questions. When, in frustration, I asked her exactly what she’d eaten and done that day, Jodie gave me a list of everything in great detail. And she left it hanging, as if to say, do you approve?
I sat back in my chair.
I’d forgotten how smart she was.
Here I was, trying to keep distant when she was cunningly doing the opposite. I didn’t answer. After an hour, she did. At two AM Wednesday morning.
Jodie: Please, Klaus. I know how much you liked what we were doing. I want to serve you naked again. I want your hand in my hair and I want want WANT you to do whatever you wish to my body.
Yeah, I’d sure managed to pull away from her. That alone had given me a hard-on.
Wednesday was a day of tiredness.
