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Chapter 25
Jodie
Thursday night, I’d hauled myself out of the depression and done some organizing. Klaus was done with me? Good…fine, wonderful, good.
Okay, it wasn’t good, but I’d gotten busy busy busy, figuring that scampering around would keep me from dwelling on it all too much. I am woman hear me roar, and all that. I’d been tempted to delete all the files with camera footage but hadn’t, yet. We’d been far too extreme for me to be able to easily turn it into a doco, or so I told myself. Was I avoiding looking at it? Probably.
Would I ever look at it?
I stared at the monitor and the files in my pictures folder. Probably not. Still, I could face this now. Life. I’d regrown my spine, hadn’t I? With a couple of mouse clicks, I shut down the PC.
My calendar was now thriving with engagements. A few appointments to see if I could get into a regular job doing documentaries, a place in a comedy tour going into the outback towns and down into New South Wales. Maybe even a place touring overseas if my luck held. If.
Let’s face it, I was still going to be eating beans soon. The outback tour was a crap one that’d earn me a pittance for basically getting heckled every second night. I’d wasted a month, let myself have the most demeaning, most painful things done to me, and all for footage I couldn’t use. And Klaus had walked out on me.
Without explaining why. That was what hurt the most. That he hadn’t even bothered to say. I’d asked him and only received answers that perplexed me more.
I stared at the PC screen again, like it could sit up and answer all my deep and meaningful questions. I shut my eyes. Like it could tell me why I craved what he’d done. It bothered me. When I wondered about him, the same question popped up. Did he blame me? Had I done something wrong, something bad? Or, and this one seemed more and more possible the more I thought about it, did he blame himself in some way? The note had pretty much stated that.
I can’t be with you without hurting you. I’m not safe.
I couldn’t understand truly why because he hadn’t explained. Now he’d blocked my calls, and didn’t answer texts or emails. My next step would be to turn up at his apartment, but even to me that seemed too desperate. Because facing him turning me away from his home would likely devastate me.
I wasn’t a stalker, was I?
I sniffed back tears. They hadn’t come much the last few days, just sometimes when I was lonely. Maybe Adrianna was right and I should go out with the girls?
Or maybe, I should answer the emails that had been sitting in my inbox for days. I could even see one from Moghul and one from, of all people, Kat, or FieryKat as she called herself on Fetlife. I knew about Fetlife though I hadn’t joined. It seemed full of scary people, Kat included. How had they gotten my email? One possibility emerged – Klaus.
Was this him trying to help me?
I leaned back in the chair and folded my arms, did some rocking back and forth, maybe hoping that would jar my obviously decrepit brain into working. In a week and a half this tour started. In a week I could knuckle down and see if there was anything in the footage I could use. There must be friggin days of footage, even if he had turned off the cameras after he got really kinky. If I drummed up the courage, and edited severely, I could have a bestseller in there.
‘Kay. I stuck my knuckle in my mouth and bit down, stayed that way until the pain got to me. Then I reached out and turned the computer back on. Go, Jodie. Let’s become a BDSM porn star. Not.
The first file was the first day. Those bits were boring. So, heart thumping away, sweat at my temples, I jumped ahead and looked at a later file.
Through my fingers caging my eyes, I watched myself, naked, getting cropped by Klaus while my hands were tied overhead. Ohmigod, I melted into the chair and slouched there, riveted. Then I switched and watched him – he was so enthralled in what he did that he never looked away from me once.
When the video file ended, I rested my chin on my hands, thought awhile then announced my decision out loud, in a very firm voice, as if that made it a fairytale wish that would magically come true.
“I have to go see him.”
What we had might have been perverted by the average person’s standards, but I wanted it back. I wanted to see if we could be together, somehow. Not just me and any random Dom, I wanted to be together with Klaus. But I could see the problem now there was distance. Our month together had been artificial and, in the end, that had hurt us both, maybe even, I had a sudden thought, maybe Klaus more than me?
He was a formidable man, so what had made him run like that? I’d ask him to his face.
After all, what could he do if I accosted him at his home? Uh. Yeah. Lots of nasty things, possibly. Somewhere else then? If I was determined, I could do this.
* * * *
The office was the best in-between place where I could find Klaus. Not too personal. Not too private.
So, here I was, on the beach across the road from the office, in a Mexican sombrero and big sunglasses plus an itsy bitsy mauve bikini top and purple skintight shorts. The office closed at midday on Saturdays, so just before that, I sauntered across the road.
Only, to my dismay, the plaque with the opening hours said it closed at eleven thirty. Shit.
I knocked on the glass door but the secretary was gone and no one answered. Frantic, I walked around to the side window and peered in.
