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“Go ahead.”
For a few seconds he said nothing. “Okay, I’ll start with this. You and Jodie have been so foolish. Playing with fire is the best way I can put it. She told me about her documentary.”
I grunted and listened some more.
“Yes, you could have hurt her badly, but mostly due to ignorance. What you did…BDSM is consensual, always. Playing around with that concept when you are new to it all. Terrible. Just terrible. I’m not surprised you’ve damaged yourself. But I can tell you this. You’re not a sociopath. You’re not a bad person. You’re simply untrained and uninformed.”
I put my fingers to the bridge of my nose, pressed down. “I wanted to see her bleed. She’d not given me permission and, man, I don’t know if I’d have stopped if I were in the wrong situation, alone. I can’t trust myself.”
Quiet came for a moment.
“Some of us get closer to the dark edge than others. I promise you that with help, you’ll discover how to be her Dom without overstepping the mark. I promise you. You just need boundaries and rules. If you’re who I think you are, you can control yourself. If you’re worried, keep it public until you’re sure. There are ways, man, there are.”
I took a long breath, exhaled. Damn. He made it sound doable. Not easy, but doable.
“After the party, I warned you about subdrop. Remember?”
“Yes, I do.” I glanced at Jodie, waiting patiently, waiting like a good girl. My appreciation of her as a woman stirred to life again.
“I forgot to say that sometimes Doms, Tops, can get Top Drop.”
“What the fuck? You’re joking. That sounds like a wine.”
I listened to him chuckle. “No, it’s like subdrop though. I think you got it. Along with all the mistakes you let yourselves make, I’m not surprised. If I’d known what a mess you two were in, I’d never have let you in to play. Now, I want you and Jodie to talk about this. As far as I can tell, she wants you back, as her Dom.”
“That’s not news. Talking to her…” My head was stuffed full of all this new information. Did I believe him? No one knew me like I did. He hadn’t been there. Still, a big what-if sign had lit up in my head. “Not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Klaus, I can’t tell you what you have to do. Yes, people can get hurt physically because others have not thought things through, or have not done their homework, or because they are out-and-out sadists. We don’t condone that in the community. If I thought that was you, I’d not be sitting out here on my patio getting eaten by mozzies when I could be watching the football. Think hard before you run away. If you were bad, you’d not have crashed like this. Caring is the crucial point. You care for her.”
“Uh.” Such an eloquent reply. I rummaged about and found some words. “Thanks. I’ll see. Sorry for all the trouble.”
He sighed. “Klaus. Fuck not ordering you. Go talk. Stop being an asshole.”
He hung up.
Well, he got the asshole part right.
“Here.” I held out the phone to her and she stepped over and took it, dropped it into her handbag.
Talk to her?
As likely as the sun exploding. I had a severe case of info overload. I wanted him to be right, but…but, but, but.
We looked at each other without speaking for a while.
If I said anything I’d give her false hope, but she’d been trying to help. Did I want to hurt her now by saying a flat no, or maybe later by stringing her along?
Jodie did that nervous thing where she played with a corner of her dress. I could see she was bursting to ask me.
I got in first. “Don’t. Don’t ask. You can’t expect an answer. Just leave me be, to think.” I found my car keys, pulled them out and jingled them. “Go back inside to your friends.”
“Oh. Oh.” Though she stared at me for ages, her shoulders slowly caved in. “I thought he might…I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “If you change your mind, text me. Just say meet me, and I’ll be here.” For a second her gaze fixed hopefully on mine, then she turned away.
Misery was written in her every move. I worked my jaw and resisted grabbing her, enfolding her in my arms, and kissing away all that sadness.
Watching her walk away trampled severely on the remains of my resolve. I jabbed my thigh with the keys and hissed at the pain.
Leave now.
