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Chapter 4
Klaus
That had been the truth – I had looked up bondage with Google. Weeks ago, I’d also looked through a few kinky shops and blogs. When she first told me about this capture fantasy plan, I’d recognized that BDSM was a close match. Some offshoots of it were devoted to a sort of slavery.
My research had driven me to buy some kinky items online. I’d been curious. Handling the gags had been eye-opening. I knew people used gags, but actually feeling the leather and the weight in my hands, imagining myself buckling one on Jodie…I’d been both fascinated and repulsed. I’d put those into her box of perversion along with the cuffs. Ever since, they’d preyed on my mind like some object in a video game highlighted in glowing red.
Last night the trail of articles on the net had led me from site to fascinating site. I’d learned about a lot more than predicament bondage. I’d joined a site called Fetlife which seemed to have half the world’s kinky population on it. By the time I’d shut down the laptop, it’d been four in the morning. Of course, no site had a how-to section on running a “real” capture fantasy. It had all been BDSM, which was consensual. What we were planning was not, or not exactly.
Messing with Jodie’s mind would take a little more thought. This was like doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dark using chopsticks. Which reminded me, my God, there’d been some curious things done with chopsticks and rubber bands to women’s nipples.
But all of it, the whole time I’d looked, had made me feel slightly off balance, and wrong.
After grabbing a beer from the fridge, I sat on the couch, propped my feet up on the table, and turned the TV onto the channel with the film footage. I rewound to where she was still tied up, let the image burn into my brain, and shut my eyes.
What was it that grabbed me about that? She looked wonderful all stretched out, hands above, with the ropes and the cuffs. Was it just the curves of her body, or the fact that I’d done that to her? Or was it that she couldn’t do a thing about it once I had her there? The not talking had been voluntary, but not the bondage. I could’ve kept her there all day if I’d wanted to – if I hadn’t decided her hands had taken enough punishment.
Yeah it was that. My hard-on was back. I thought about taking care of it but no. There was something wrong about doing that.
I swigged a big mouthful and swallowed. The cold beer sang to me on the way down, and Jodie was in there eating my steak cross rhinoceros-hide sandwich. I frowned.
Another swig, another swallow. I placed the bottle on the coffee table and got up. The Chinese takeout in the oven awaited. In the stack of CDs by her stereo, I found one I’d not heard before, Tarja Turunnen. I slipped in the disc.
As I forked the shrimp chow mein onto my plate, I wondered if Jodie had been aroused by the bondage. Though I’d looked closely I hadn’t been sure. Her denim shorts, bra, and T-shirt had concealed her body too well.
With the tines of the fork, I separated out one shrimp and toyed with it, turning it in circles. One naked shrimp. Getting Jodie naked was against the rules, though she’d welcome it if I seduced her. Like the porno and the gazillion BDSM shots on the net, that idea was arousing. But I wasn’t here to just fuck her was I? That option, casual sex, had been dismissed long ago. I was missing a piece of the puzzle and could not see what it was. With our talking and arranging we’d figured out the limits of this fantasy shoot. But the whole point of messing with her mind was to reach beyond what she expected. To scare her? I’d done that today. A tiny bit. The way she’d struggled to get comfortable until slowly the pain in her hands and feet had overwhelmed her…
I let out a long breath through my teeth. Even if I lost the video, I’d never forget that.
And yet, I also felt horrified that I’d done that. How could I be both? It drew me and it appalled me all at the same time. Protect and be gentle, but turn me inside out and caveman turned up. I’d been so up-tight, so set in my way of life for so long, that this was like a black-and-white photo turning to color.
I sat for a while, elbow on the kitchen counter, with my fork-holding hand cradling my forehead. Wing it. I didn’t know where this would lead me, but if ever there was a time in my life that I needed to just go with the flow, it was now.
I speared the shrimp, smoothly slipping the metal into the succulence, and held it up for examination.
I could do anything to this shrimp, but it was dead. Simple and easy to cut it up, to turn it over… Jodie had given me permission for all this. Really, I could get her to let me make love to her, to let me tie her up. In any BDSM scene, permission was required. But, according to her idea of capture fantasy, surely I had to reach beyond that permission and the rules. My mouth twisted. Did I want to? And the I was the important part.
Head down, I stared at the fork. Beyond the rules it would be about me and not her, and this was why I’d been so pedantic about rules.
I shook my head then popped the shrimp into my mouth, enjoying the soft crunch of the flesh and the flavors flooding my tongue. It wasn’t as if I was going to become Hannibal Lector if I went farther.
The edge above the abyss was fuzzy. If I wasn’t careful, I might do things that pushed this too far, yet she couldn’t say were precisely wrong. Would the police see it that way? I was an accountant. I didn’t want to break the law.
At the chorus, Tarja’s voice powered out of the speakers and her singing reached inside me, captured me. Such a beautiful bringing together of voice, lyrics and music into a singular moment, and I closed my eyes in appreciation of the appeal to that one unique sense – hearing.
I swallowed the shrimp and the taste went away. It wasn’t the act of swallowing that made the meal spectacular, it was what came before.
I found a pen in my laptop case and some paper, placed it square on the coffee table and sat on the couch before it, pen poised. I wrote the first words.
New List
Something about writing black lines on white made this spring to life. There was a bulge in my board shorts. My erection pulsed. Yes, I wanted to make love to her … no, to fuck her. I always had. Once, I’d thought I was in love, even. So what was different now? Was I going to do it then dismiss her like a snake shedding old skin afterward?
Yeah. What the fuck was I doing?
Then I held the pen for ages, turning it around and around, almost snapping the plastic shaft in half. I could feel my desire to take this further waiting inside me. So many needs crawled around waiting. I imagined them like patient little black spiders all piled up in the basement of my mind.
“Ha.” I shook my head. Like anyone, like everyone, I craved stuff that could never happen. I dreaded the idea of ever letting myself go. The old Lord of the Flies book came to mind. Peel off the veneer of civilization and people are unspeakable monsters beneath.
