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She’s so white. Too white. And there’s a strap tightening around my chest.
“Babybear.” There’s a crack in my voice I’ve never heard before. “It’s Daddy. Can you hear me, sweetheart?”
“Daddy?” Her voice squeaks and her lips look dry.
She’s wearing the donkey pajamas I had made for her and my heart breaks for my little girl as her hands come up and wrap around the back of my neck.
I lean down and kiss her lips, holding us together for a long moment, just needing to feel her breath against me. I suck inward, drawing her life into me and breathing mine back into hers.
Tears spring to her eyes and I feel like I’m dying and coming to life all at the same time.
“Are you hurt? Did they hurt you?” I look down to see a tear in the shoulder of the pajama shirt and a bit of blood soaked into the fabric. Red clouds my vision in that moment, and if he was within reach right now I’d snap his fucking neck for touching her.
I’m going to snap his fucking neck no matter what. It’s a just a matter of timing at this point.
“I’m okay.” Her answer is flat as she reaches over to touch her shoulder where my eyes are fixed. “I tried to escape, that’s all. Get out the window. But I got stuck, scratched myself. How did you find us?”
I take a second to be sure I want her to know, then decide to go ahead. “Your father. We found him. He filled us in on an awful lot of shit, baby.” I shake my head as I let that sink in. The shock and fear in her eyes cuts me.
“My father. He’s not my father.” Her voice is hard, and I realize she knows the truth as well.
“Yeah, I know. You okay?”
“Explains some things, I guess. Yeah, I’m okay. I hate to say it, but I don’t hate him. But I don’t love him either. Any of them. Is that awful? You think it’s awful. I hate all of this.” Her voice cracks and I feel her body shaking.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. This was my fault.”
She shifts in my lap, pushing up on her hands to sit up straight and there’s more tears.
“How is what they did to me your fault?” There’s a hint of anger in her voice.
“You’re safe now, baby. No one is going to hurt you.”
“They didn’t hurt me. You hurt me.” She counters, and my own anger turns to confusion.
“Babybear…” She knows. I know she knows. But there’s a part of me that hopes otherwise. Guilt rasps on my heart but I need to know what’s hurting her.
“You lied. You promised me, and you lied. You said you don’t hurt people. You promised what you did wasn’t illegal. I asked you straight up, more than once and you lied. Right to my face. How could you do that?” She pauses, her eyes dark, and adds, “What else are you lying about? Other women maybe? I’m not the only one, am I? Just your current toy. A girl in every port…I’m sorry, I know I wasn’t truthful either, but—” Her voice trails off and I see her own guilt in her eyes but it’s her hurt that is running the show now.
The little girl in her isn’t thinking straight and it’s okay. I’ll deal with her lack of truthfulness later, right now I need to calm my baby and get us moving forward again.
My brain spins. She’s right about the lies. I thought I could figure out a way out before I had to tell her. Some miracle I could conjure that would get me out of this life and not have to confess things to her that would hurt us. Ruin what I’d found that I’d never known was possible.
“Other women?” I shake my head. “Babybear, you are my only. No one has even pulled my eye since the day we met. That’s a promise.”
The irony of my words are not lost on her. She puts a hand over her mouth and closes her eyes. “Promise? Not sure that helps.” She answers, and I give her that.
“Baby, listen.” I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I’m fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. But I couldn’t risk losing you. I thought I could fix this.” I look back toward the cabin and then to her. “Fix my life before I’d have to tell you. I wanted more than anything, more than ever before…I wanted to be the kind of man you would need. You, baby. I wanted to do it for you. But it was hard. I—”
“Hard?” She smacks back.
I grit my teeth, hating myself down into the core of my being. I try to come up with the right words that will fix this.
