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I’d rather do all of those things than feel this.
He pulls back. I pinch my wet eyes and face him as he says sharply, “You didn’t put her there. You got her out.” He sounds as choked as I feel. “And I know…” He trails off, his throat thick with emotion. His brows are cinched. He runs his tongue over his molars, collecting himself. “I know what that took.” He’s trying to be grateful, but it’s buried beneath a lot of anguish. “They’ll make it out. Luna. Lily. They look small, but they’re tough.”
The shred of hope I’d given him earlier tonight, he’s returning to me. Can’t lie about how much I need it. I’m carrying this hope like a lit match. One wrong breath and it’ll extinguish.
“Yeah. They will,” I say quietly.
He pats my bicep, and when we split apart, he goes to talk to his brother. Across the room, Kinney is avoiding my gaze. Her fingers are paused on a page of a comic book. She’s at a table with the Calloway sisters and her Aunt Willow. A Superheroes & Scones tote bag of comics is spilled out in front of the sixteen-year-old Hale.
I see Xander all alone.
He’s studying me, so I approach my client—one who’s been holed up at home since he learned I love his sister. So I haven’t been on his detail in weeks.
“This seat free?” I ask, nodding to the one beside him.
“Yeah.” He lifts himself out of a slump and watches me sit. “It’s morbid over here, just to warn you.”
“That’s alright,” I say softly. “It’s morbid everywhere. Hospitals aren’t usually cheery.”
“No kidding,” he mutters, then sniffs hard. He yanks the headphones to his neck, his amber eyes glassy from tears.
“Watcha listening to?”
“Uh…” He sniffs again. “Bob Dylan. Loretta Lynn…” He shrugs. “Banks got me into it a while back. I like it, but…honestly, it’s all kind of depressing right now.” Quickly, angrily, he wipes an escaped tear off his cheek. “I was supposed to be in that car, Donnelly. My mom—she asked me to go to the fucking Putt Palace, and I said no.” His voice cracks. “I said no, and I should’ve been there. Then you might’ve been in the car with us. Everything would’ve been different. Better.”
“We don’t know that,” I breathe.
“Yes, I do,” Xander professes quietly to me. “It’s like my choices in life have these catastrophic repercussions. I made a shitty selfish choice that hurt my sister, my mom, and now they’re both in the ICU. For what? Because I was scared to confront you?” Face twisting, he slumps back in his chair. “I’m such a fucking—”
“Elf,” I interject.
“What?”
“Didn’t you say elves were sorta selfish? I dunno, they’ve always seemed dope to me.” I know he loves them the most in fantasy worlds too. I catch him staring at my busted knuckles. “You wanna know something?”
He nods once, listening.
“I’ve made a bunch of shitty selfish choices in my twenty-nine years, and I can’t say that I regret a single one.”
Xander frowns. “How?”
“‘Cause it’s okay to put yourself first and chase after the things you want or run away from the things you don’t. Life’s too short to try to be perfect for everyone else.”
He’s quiet for a beat. “What if I’m not happy with myself?” He’s staring at the floor.
I look him over, my lungs tightening. “You bailed on putt-putt, man. You didn’t bail on your sister or your mom.”
He rubs his runny nose with the back of his arm. “I’m sorry.” It comes out constricted.
“Don’t be.”
“I am, though,” he says more clearly. “When I heard you had feelings for Luna, my whole…fucking world crashed. It feels so stupid now.” He tilts his head to meet my gaze. “I used to want the Moretti brothers to marry into my family, you know? I thought it’d be cool to always have them around.”
I frown. “They did end up doing that.”
“Yeah, and it’s not the same as how I thought it’d be…so when you came along, I liked knowing I have all of your attention.” His shaggy hair touches his wet eyelashes. “And I thought you’d stick around forever. Not for her, but for me. And now—now, I’d give anything for my sister to be okay. I’d change places with her in a heartbeat. I’d rather be dead.”
It stabs me. “She wouldn’t want that,” I tell him quietly.
His chest caves. He stares at my bloodied fists again. “I’m selfish enough to hate when I am selfish, but not selfish enough to thrive on my own. I’m doomed; Luna’s not. Her future is better.”
She might not have one.
It all hurts. I say, “I wanna see yours too.” His tears surface as he looks back at me, but I just tell him the truth, “I hope I can be there, whatever happens. I wanna be there.”
