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“What’s her name?” Margot whispered.
I winced. “Ayla.”
“That’s so pretty.”
“It means moon’s halo or moonlight in my husband’s language. I named her for him.” My heart pinched as I rubbed my chest. “I made sure she was fluent in Turkish. That she knew her father through my memories and many stories. He was dead. My heart was dead, but I kept him alive for her.”
Dylan sighed. “That couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t easy living with the fact that I’d let my impulsiveness make such a massive mistake. I suffocated on guilt for years afterward, taking the blame for that night.”
“But it wasn’t your fault, Nerida.” Dylan scolded. “It sounds as if those guys were going to attack, no matter what you did.”
“Perhaps.” I shrugged. “Regardless, I shouldn’t have stopped Aslan—”
“If you didn’t, he would’ve probably killed that drunken idiot and added another body count to his tally. He could’ve been arrested for murder and deported as a criminal.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Your black and white approach does not ease the regret I carried.”
Dylan rolled his shoulders. “I apologise. I just want you to see that Aslan was right. It wasn’t your fault.”
I sucked in a breath, scrambling to change the subject. “Ayla...my daughter.” I sat taller. “She saved my life when I didn’t want it. She gave me something to live for.”
“Forgive me for the indelicate question,” Dylan said, allowing me to guide the conversation forward. “But...how did you fall pregnant in the first place? I thought you were on birth control?”
“I was. And I was diligent in taking it. However...” I managed the smallest of smiles. “I underestimated the venom of the glaucus atlanticus.”
“The sea slug?”
“The week after I was stung, I was pretty nauseous. I didn’t want to alarm Aslan, so I hid the fact that I still threw up every now and again. He looked after me so well. He tended to me, doted on me, and made me feel loved in every way he could.” I looked at the two reporters pointedly.
“You had sex. While you were sick.” Margot shifted a little. “The pill’s effectiveness would’ve been diminished.”
“I was stupid. Love struck, stupid, and rather obsessed with Aslan’s touch. And he...well, he didn’t know we should properly take extra precautions. He trusted me to be in charge of that part of our relationship. I messed up.” I sat taller. “But I look back now and can honestly say if I hadn’t been stung by that blue dragon and accidentally gotten pregnant through sheer ignorance, I don’t think I would be alive today. I think...I think I would’ve done something drastic, and it pains me to admit that.”
“You truly are a surprising woman, Nerida,” Dylan muttered. “You willingly tell us about Aslan butchering Ethan—”
“Oh my God!” Margot exclaimed, cutting Dylan off. “That’s why you don’t care if we print what Aslan did to him. It’s because he’s not here to pay for the crime.” She flinched all over again. “Damn, that...that breaks my heart.”
Dylan scowled at her. “As I was saying, you willingly share something as dark as potential murder, yet in the same tale are happy to discuss the allure of suicide.”
“I am.”
“Why?”
“Because people need to understand that those thoughts are normal. That level of despair can come for you out of the blue. I drowned. I admit that. I was happy to never come up for air again, but...I was given a reason to keep trying. A reason that made me accept that the life I’d adored and the man I’d cherished were gone, but...it didn’t mean my life had to be over. I just had to be strong enough to accept the differences and make the choice.”
“That’s inspiring.” He bit his bottom lip. “And surprisingly...helpful.” He paused as if debating on whether to share. “I-I’m not new to grief myself. I lost my wife in childbirth with our second child ten years ago.” He looked away. “I had the same feeling as you. The same tug to end it all. But...I couldn’t do that to my son.”
“I’m so sorry about your wife, Dylan.”
“I appreciate that. Not a day goes by when I don’t miss her.”
I held his stare, sharing so much pain. So much pain that existed in the hearts of the lovers left behind. “Do you see why I wanted to be frank? Do you feel better, knowing you weren’t alone in that cesspit of despair?”
He sat in my question for a moment before nodding. “It does. It helps to know that the emotions I had toward my son were normal. Part of me hated him for preventing me from chasing after my wife. But most of me loved him because he kept me alive. I struggled for years with those two warring parts of me.”
“Exactly.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed again. “I felt the same loathing. A loathing that makes me sound like a monster when I admit I cursed my own daughter. The entire nine months I carried her, I tangled with love and hate. I loved her for safekeeping a piece of Aslan’s soul, but I hated her for keeping me in a world where he was gone. Those feelings only began to fade after she was born, and I did something rather idiotic.”
