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I almost jumped overboard.
I almost scooped up my daughter and dived into the sea, needing to be as far away as possible.
“Neri...you okay?” Dad asked.
“Not really.” I patted his hand as he squeezed my forearm, his fingers wrapping around my lion tattoo. “But I’ll do it if that’s what you want.”
I’m not ready to say goodbye.
I’ll never be ready.
“I think it’s important.” His dark-blue eyes glimmered with sadness. “I think it’s time you let him go, my love. I’m...I’m worried about you.”
I smiled and reached up to kiss his weathered cheek. “I’m fine, Dad.”
“You’re surviving. There’s a big difference.” He cast a look at Ayla who held Eddie’s hand after stealing a frangipani from one of the wreaths. Her shoulder length sable hair had bronzed like Aslan’s used to. Her dark brown eyes soaked up the sun. And her lips smiled with a seriousness that looked a little stern on such a happy toddler.
“She looks so much like him,” Dad murmured. “It hurts me sometimes at how similar they are. I can’t imagine what it must do to you.”
“It actually helps,” I said quietly, staring at my darling daughter. “She’s a part of him. His blood flows in her veins. Her heart shares his beat, just like mine.”
“I’m so sorry he’s gone, Nerida. I wish I could bring him back for you. But I don’t have that power. No one does. You need to accept he’s gone, little fish. You need to accept that he’s never coming back and do your best to start healing.”
I knew my dad’s suggestion came from concern, but...it irked me.
It hurt me that my entire family walked on eggshells around me because they feared I’d start screaming like I had that day.
I’d stopped insisting that I felt him.
I stopped trying to explain that an unexplainable part of me screeched and clawed, desperately sure he was still alive.
That certainty was violent.
Messed up.
Agonising.
I hid a lot of how I truly felt.
My denial of his passing wasn’t socially acceptable.
They wanted to move on...yet I would always cling to the past.
The gunshot I heard on the phone might not have been real.
The confession from Aslan’s murderer might be a lie.
Aslan still existed because...my heart said so.
But my heart might be the biggest liar of all.
Maybe this was how all death felt?
Maybe my refusal to believe was normal?
Maybe this blind hope was normal?
Maybe this inconsolable depression was exactly normal, and I was as deluded as people whispered.
He...
He’s dead.
I tried the truth on for size.
Every molecule in my body boycotted it.
I wanted to retch. To shake. To cry.
No.
He’s not.
He can’t be.
I hunched.
Those words.
That vicious conviction.
He can’t be.
And there was my answer.
He can’t be dead.
Because if he is...
My soul would tear itself down the middle. I would slip into the screaming abyss. I would perish because I couldn’t live without my other half.
While I denied it, I could keep breathing.
But if I accepted it?
If I believed in this funeral and said goodbye...
I’ll die.
Ayla giggled as Mum scooped her up and pointed toward the dorsal fins of curious dolphins who’d most likely heard our engine and come to say hi. I didn’t care if it was Sapphire and her pod. Right now, I barely cared about anything.
The sun shone on my daughter’s hair. Her laughter wrapped around my heart. And I clung to this moment, desperately trying to care.
Right here.
Right now.
If I could anchor myself in this world, if I believed Aslan was out there somewhere, then I could stay alive for the sake of my child.
I could go through this tragedy called life until the day when I couldn’t keep hoping anymore.
Shaking away my misty, macabre thoughts, I focused on my dad. His navy eyes met mine, his salt-and-pepper hair fluttering in the warm breeze. He looked at me so worriedly, so sadly, my stomach flipped.
Before I could speak, he bent and whispered, “I feel so bloody guilty that we didn’t try harder to get him back. It’s been awful these past few years without him. His loss is felt every time I look at where his sala used to be. I should’ve done more. For both of you. I should’ve—”
“Dad.” I grabbed his hand. “It’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry. So sorry we couldn’t stop him from being deported.”
My lungs closed, but I did my best to console him, even though no one could console me. “We tried. Cem Kara has far more power than anyone imagined.”
His jaw worked. “Just knowing you went to Turkey makes my blood turn cold. He could’ve taken you too.”
“I plan on going back again one day. Once Ayla’s older, I’ll show her where she came from. I want her to know she has two countries to call home.”
“But...but what if he takes her?” Dad choked. “You can’t, Neri—”
“He could take her from here.” I stiffened against the ice frosting my spine. “He could take any of us. But he hasn’t.”
