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I fully believed the skips were caused by my inability to let go, and I hoped, with time, they would eventually stop taunting me.
Ever since I’d kneeled on the beach three months ago and finally said goodbye to Aslan, I’d done my best to move on.
I knew I would never find another love.
I had absolutely zero interest in entering the dating scene and had to have a strongly worded conversation with Teddy and Eddie one night when they tried to set me up with one of their straight friends.
I was done with that part of my life.
I would never be touched again, kissed again and...that’s okay. I’d slept with Aslan enough to have a decent rolodex of memories to use if the urge to climax appeared at two in the morning. Then again, my body was exactly like my heart and no longer had any interest in being touched. Apart from platonic hugs from Teddy and Eddie, and the special squishes from Ayla, I didn’t really touch anyone.
“RAWWWWR!”
I rolled my eyes at Teddy’s impersonation of whatever beast he was supposed to be tonight. He was particularly good at winding her up just before bedtime.
But...I couldn’t stop their fun.
Who cared if Ayla’s bedtime was all over the place? Who cared if she swam at six, seven, or eight p.m.? Who cared if she was on the beach when other five-year-olds were tucked up in bed and dreaming? She was wild, and I loved it. It’s the only way to live in the moment. And the moment is all she has.
I laughed and ignored the wince in my heart as Teddy scooped her up and tossed her to Eddie. Ayla’s little limbs went flailing, giggling as the two men tossed her around like a rugby ball.
I’d had a panic attack when they first threw her around as a baby, but she loved it above everything else. She begged for more the moment they finished, and I’d grown used to seeing her flying through the lounge and hucked into the kitchen, caught by strong, careful arms and showered with affectionate kisses.
I trusted them.
She trusted them.
We all trusted each other.
Life’s okay.
I’ll survive.
I’m so, so lucky for everything I have, despite losing him.
Crossing my arms, I slowed my jog and fought a shiver that appeared from nowhere. We were all dressed in swimming togs from being in the pool. All of us mostly naked and dripping wet.
My happy yellow bikini with bumble bees on the straps and strings was new—a treat to myself to try to find my smile. Ayla wore a matching yellow and bee leotard, and the husbands shared similar sandy boardshorts just like they shared most of their wardrobe. Being the same height and size came in handy when their tastes swung in the same direction of moody browns and atmospheric greys.
None of them looked cold, yet I couldn’t stop the sudden trembling originating in my bones.
Rubbing my arms, I indulged the tossing of my daughter for another few moments before I became the voice of reason. “Okay, okay, that’s enough. You’ll make her throw up in a minute.”
“More. More!” Ayla shouted.
Eddie caught her, twisted her upside down, and blew raspberries on her round belly.
“Ahhh!” She squirmed and giggled.
My heart swelled, pinching with pain that was as common as breathing but suddenly seemed extra sharp.
The rumble of my parents’ old Jeep Wrangler sounded in the distance.
I held up my hand against the final red and gold spears of the setting sun, trying to peer down the road. It wasn’t unusual for them to pop round at this time. Either to kiss Ayla goodnight or to share a quick drink with the boys and me.
Keeping one eye on the street where the Jeep’s engine grew louder and one eye on my daughter currently being kissed to death, I smiled as the last light of the sun bounced off the Jeep’s windscreen as it appeared.
I waved.
I couldn’t see inside the Wrangler, but I didn’t care if it was Mum or Dad or both. They were always welcome.
Clapping my hands, I grinned at the two men currently playing tug of war with my daughter. Eddie had her legs, and Teddy had her around the chest.
“Who loves me the mostest?” Ayla yelled, freaking beside herself with laughter.
“Me!” Eddie chuckled.
“Nope. I do!” Teddy blew his husband a wink. “Me!”
“Yay!” Ayla beamed.
God, she’ll never go to sleep after this nonsense.
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Alright, let’s all calm down so Mummy doesn’t have to be up all night with a hyperactive bouncing jellybean. Grandma and Grandpa are here to say night-night.”
“Double yay!” Ayla struggled in their arms. “Down. Down. I wanna say hi to Nana and Pop Pop.”
Laughing, Teddy placed her carefully onto her feet on the overgrown grass.
“Be careful,” Eddie said affectionately as she tore off toward the Jeep. “Look both ways before you cross the street, moonbeam!”
