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“I know you’re afraid of losing yourself like you did when Cem broke you. I know you’re afraid of becoming someone you don’t know and fearing you might never find your way back to me. You’re more afraid of losing me that way, of forgetting me while you still live, than you are at losing me through a grave. And I get it. More than you probably know because I know you. And so...”
Pulling away, she cupped my cheek and rose on her tiptoes to kiss me.
Unhurried.
Unexpectant.
Our lips touched, and our tongues grazed, and by the time we stopped kissing, the sun had breached the horizon and blinded the world in newness.
“My second promise is...I will do it.”
My eyebrows flew into my salt-and-pepper hair. “Do what exactly?”
“If the day comes that you don’t remember me. If your heart makes you weak or your mind turns you simple. If there is no chance of bringing you back, I will set you free.”
I reared back. “I-I could never ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering.” She took my hand and squeezed hard. “I’m telling you, I will be there to say goodbye, Aslan. In whatever way is needed. I love you enough to kill you.”
A half-choked, half-strangled laugh fell from my lips. “I-I don’t think anyone has ever uttered that sentence before. And...somehow, it makes me love you even more.”
She smiled. “In return, all I ask is that you stay. Let’s go on that voyage. Let’s go travel the seas. Let’s swim in the arctic and let icebergs cure our ills. Let’s chase the orcas and find the narwhals. Lunamare doesn’t need me anymore. Ayla is on the boards of your charities and can continue your donations.
“Let’s go, Aslan. Together. Right now. Let’s disappear so we can live with no fear...until that time comes for this life to end.”
Her voice caught, and tears shot to her eyes. “I told our story, you know. I told them everything. It wasn’t planned, and I probably shared too much, but...I needed to love you one last time. I wanted to relive every moment we shared because I knew you intended to kiss me goodbye today. I knew you were going to walk into the surf and not return. And, you stupid, stupid man...you thought I would let you.”
She scoffed and shook her head. “Where you walk, I walk. Where you swim, I swim. Where you sleep, I sleep. I was prepared to die today with you, kocam. I have said my goodbyes and tasted what it will feel like to no longer be in this world. I shared our tale with two reporters so our love would live on. I asked myself a thousand times if there was the tiniest piece of me that would rather stay than go.
“But...each time I envisioned living without you. Each time I imagined my bed empty of you and my heart hollow and my love gone, I knew I was making the right choice. The only choice.
“I know you want sovereignty over your body. I know you don’t trust your heart, and I get that. I get it because I don’t trust it either. But I trust us.” She tapped my chest and hers. “I trust that we share that same heart, Aslan, and you cannot ask me to live without it. You cannot expect me to survive without it. I lost you for five years, my darling, and it broke me in ways I will never be free of.”
Smiling sadly and brushing away her tears, she whispered, “So the choice is yours, Aslan. We die today, together, right here like you planned, with the dawn on our faces and the tide around our ankles...or you trust me to free you if your body forsakes you. If that day comes when you are lost to me, I will let you go and then I will follow. Just like I know if I went first, you’d chase me. We can’t do this alone, my love. It’s just not possible.”
I blinked at my wife.
At the woman who made me whole while somehow carving me into pieces.
My damaged and scarred, besotted and obsessed heart fell firmly into her grasp.
I’d never had someone give me their everything before.
Never loved anyone as much as I loved her.
I’d been lucky enough to own her in every way for six decades.
Every part of me shook as I cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead with utter reverence. “You always were and always have been my life’s purpose, Nerida Kara. What would I be without you? Where would I go without you by my side? What would I become without you there to love me?”
“Make the choice, Aslan.” She kissed my palm. “Today...or someday?”
I pulled back.
I held her stare.
I didn’t answer for an eternity.
I skimmed through the scenarios of another stroke, another heart attack. I weighed up the pain and the loss against the moments we could still have. All the happiness we could still gather. All the love we could still share.
