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‘Just isn’t for me,’ Ryan says in Leo’s office. He’s only seen it a handful of times, was always in his cupboard. Leo’s office, as it turns out, is offensively large. Room enough for two.
‘You know,’ he continues, ‘the lies, the deception. The police generally. I hated Response, and I hate this,’ he says. His voice cracks on the last word, because it isn’t true at all. This is the biggest lie he has told since he lied to Jen about his name. His name and his career, so new, already feel bound together. His total, authentic self, kissed goodbye to. He wonders, if he told Leo the truth, what he’d say. But he can’t risk it. They wouldn’t permit him to live as Kelly. It is their identity, created by them in order to embed Ryan in criminality. These fake identities are destroyed as soon as their purpose is up. To keep it would be to leave the police open to lawsuits, to criminal charges, to retribution from the criminals themselves.
They’d make him come clean. The risk to himself, and to Jen, be damned.
He has no choice. He’s got to get out of the police. He’s got to, before she finds out. She’s become more important than him. That’s love, Ryan supposes. He always knew he’d fall hard one day – he’s that sort of person, isn’t he? He just didn’t think it would happen like this. He has to stay as Kelly.
He looks at his mentor and friend, and winces at the lies he’s telling.
‘I have to say, I’m so disappointed,’ Leo says sincerely.
‘I know. Thank you,’ Ryan says. He hesitates, just for a second, wondering if he’s doing the right thing. But it’s the police – or it’s her. His resolve crystallizes like hardened clay. There is no contest.
‘Right, well, you know …’ Leo pauses, and Ryan thinks he’s going to elaborate, but maybe he changes his mind, because he just looks at him and says, ‘Yeah. I get it. Effective immediately – it has to be, with UC work.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Ryan.’
‘Me too.’
‘Any idea what you’ll go and do?’
Ryan stares at Leo’s immaculate desk. The question is enough to crack his features with an ironic smile. He guesses he will have to go and be a painter/decorator, like he said he is.
‘Nah, I’ll figure it out, I guess.’
‘Will you still come to give your evidence? Your work was – invaluable.’
Ryan glances at Leo. He can feel his gaze is cold. ‘I know,’ Leo says. ‘I know we didn’t find Eve.’
‘Yeah,’ Ryan says. That cuts him up. Maybe if he hadn’t met Jen. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened like this. Maybe he could’ve stayed longer. But he wouldn’t choose it. Not now he’s met her. He’s a goner, for ever. Happily so.
‘The daughter – at the law firm,’ he says quickly. ‘I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know. And the dad … honestly, he’s just a small-town idiot.’
‘Is he?’
‘Concentrate on Joseph. Not even sure the dad knew the significance of passing the addresses,’ Ryan lies.
‘Your evidence will be useful …’
‘I’ll do it – if you don’t go after the dad. Just Joseph. The other foot soldiers.’
‘I’ll talk to those on the top landing,’ Leo says slowly, seeming to understand that Ryan is negotiating, even if he doesn’t know why.
‘Okay.’
One problem solved. He might get away with this. All he needs to do now is become somebody else.
‘But hey – we’ll get the main man, you know? He’ll go down for twenty.’
‘Yeah. Well,’ Ryan says sadly, standing there in front of Leo’s desk. ‘Doesn’t seem worth it, somehow. Not without the baby.’
‘I get that,’ Leo says amiably. This must happen all the time, especially in undercover. He holds his hand out, and Ryan slaps the legend into his palm. The police-issued passport and driving licence in Kelly’s name. All gone.
‘Yeah. You know, Ry, I don’t think I’d do it if I had my chance again,’ Leo says, taking the documents.
This stops Ryan. ‘Really?’ he says.
