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An old map of the United States.
I give my head a small shake, finishing my beer. How common is amapin the first place? But when Lucy handed me that old thing this morning, I was struck with the feeling that I had seen it before. Touched it. Opened it. Smelled the scent of aging paper on my fingertips.
Fucking driveling nonsense.
Just a coincidence.
Standing up, I head for the men’s bathroom in the back. There are saloon doors instead of normal ones—fucking stupid and kitschy like everything else on this road trip. Biting back a groan, I swing them open. I notice two younger-looking guys near the sink having a heated conversation, but ignore them while I head for the urinals.
By the time I take a piss, these two jokers have launched themselves into a fist fight and I barely have time to zip my dick back into my jeans before I get punched in the ear. It only takes one quick blink for the angel on my shoulder to turn into a snarling jackal.
Slowly, I turn around and find them now scuffling on the dirty bathroom floor. I can’t be sure who landed the punch so I simply reach for the closest one.
I pull him off the other guy by his back collar and launch him into the sinks beside us. His head slams into porcelain and like a discarded doll, he falls to the ground. He’s unconscious now. Bummer. I was hoping for more of a fight. I turn my attention to the one currently trying to stand up. Maybe he’ll put up more of a challenge.
“Hey man,” he blubbers while trying to scamper to his feet but failing. “Chill the fuck out.”
I snatch his shirt in my fist and slam the other into his face. His head snaps backward, his nose already pouring blood, gargling a protest. Somehow, he manages to clock me in the left eye before my fist finds purchase again and again. After a few more swift punches, his eyes roll to the back of his head, and I release him. I spit in his face before he falls like dead weight to the floor.
I notice his phone beside him and crack the screen with my heel just for the hell of it before stalking out of the bathroom. Walking past the kitchen, I slip out the back door and head down the street toward the motel with bloody knuckles, now calmer than ever.
Back in the room, I find Lucy in the same position as before and I fight the grin trying to form on my lips. I wash the blood off my hands, strip down to my boxers and fall into bed.
For once, I sleep until morning.
8
It is too loud here. Noxport. I never knew a city this big even existed. Sitting on the edge of the couch, I wring my hands while my eyes slice to the open window in the therapist’s office. The sounds physically hurt, my nerves raw even though I have been out of the commune for over two months now. Imogene, my therapist, waits for me to speak but today, I feel empty.
“How are you feeling?” she asks. Her tone is warm and inviting, but it is having the opposite effect on me. How can I tell her that I feel as trapped here as I did back in Sacro Nuntio? How do I tell her that my faith has started to waver? The only thing that kept me from giving up, is now the reason nothing is making sense.
She patiently waits for me to answer. I take a large breath in and then out.
“Lost,” I mutter with barely any emotions.
“How so?”
I close my eyes, trying not to burst into tears, but my lower lip trembles, and I can feel myself cracking like a porcelain doll in malevolent hands.
“Lucy, you’re safe here,” she says while sitting closer to the edge of her chair. “You don’t need to keep everything inside when it’s just us two.”
Looking down at my hands, I nod but say nothing until I am positive that my voice will not crack. “I do not know if I will ever be free,” I say quietly, avoiding Imogene’s supportive gaze.
“Free from what?” she says softly.
“Them.”
* * *
Waking up with a start,I crack an eyelid. I am laying on my stomach and I push myself up with the help of my forearms. Feeling a little groggy, it takes me a few seconds to situate myself.
Motel.
I hear a rustle from the adjoining room and let out a large sigh.
With Bastian.
Realizing I fell asleep fully dressed, I stand up and pointedly avoid peeking into the other room, while I head for my bathroom to freshen up. It is still early in the morning, but I call Lenix anyway. She picks up on the first ring and I spend the next fifteen minutes trying to convince her that I amfine. Eventually, I hear Connor bark in the background, most likely telling her to stop being so dramatic and we hang up after she sniffs an emotional goodbye.
