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“Totally. Mom wasn’t surprised when I told her. She said she had a feeling. Same when Eli came out. You didn’t have that, did you?”
“Nope. I told my mom when I was in college. She was okay with it. Didn’t make a big deal out of it or anything and has never said anything homophobic to me. But Russ is…”
“Yeah, I know exactly what he is.”
“I asked her not to tell him, but she did because god forbid she put me or my wishes above him. And he’s never let it go. The shit he’s said to me… he’s the reason I’m basically no-contact with my mom now.”
“Crazy how one asshole could ruin so many lives.”
“It really is. Have you ever been with a girl?”
He blinked, presumably confused at the sudden change in conversation. “Um, sort of. I’ve never had sex with a girl, but I messed around with a few.”
“Did you like it?”
“I didn’t hate it.” He ran the tip of his finger over the edge of his cup. “A girl in eighth grade kissed me at a party. It was fine. Didn’t gross me out or anything, but it wasn’t anything special. Senior year, another girl kissed me and we went a bit further, but it was the same thing. It just…was.”
“You said…” My voice faltered.
“I said?”
“You said, before, that you didn’t bottom because…”
His eyes clouded and he crossed his arms. “Because the last guy I trusted didn’t listen to me.”
“I haven’t pushed you, have I? I can be bossy, but I didn’t make you feel like you couldn’t say no, right?”
“No. You never pushed me. You gave me more than enough chances to say no. And before you ask, I know you would have stopped if I had asked. I’m not worried about you hurting me.” He uncrossed his arms and visibly relaxed. “That guy…he was a mistake. I was in a bad place and ignored the warning signs. It was my fault.”
I bit my lip so I didn’t blurt out that whatever happened wasn’t his fault. That no one ever had the right to hurt him like that. But this was our first real conversation where we were both in our right minds and not naked. I wasn’t sure he’d be open, or able, to talk about something so traumatic.
“And he… it doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”
“So what happens now?” I asked softly, needing to change the subject so I didn’t try to comfort him when he obviously didn’t want to talk about it.
“No fucking clue.” He stood and carried our dishes to the sink. “I’m glad I know the truth, but it’s going to take time to process everything. I’ve held onto that moment, that stupid lie, foryears. And it’s not like I didn’t already know my sperm donor is a dick who doesn’t give a shit about me. But now it just feels…real. Like that last thread of hope is gone.”
Silence stretched. I couldn’t imagine what Graham must have been going through having Russ play him like that. My father had never been a part of my life. I had no idea who he was, or if he knew about me, and I didn’t care.
“That conversation needed to happen, but goddamn it brought down the mood.” He closed the dishwasher and leaned against the counter.
“It did, and it did.” I stood and swiped up the crumpled napkins still on the island. “So, what happens now?”
“I have no fucking clue.”
“Yeah, me either.”
I tossed the napkins in the trash, my mind racing.
Last night and today changed things between us. Now that I knew the truth, I couldn’t go back to pretending we were enemies, and it didn’t seem like Graham wanted that either.
I turned to ask if there was anything else he needed done when Graham crowded me against the cool metal surface of the fridge and kissed me hard and deep.
Wrapping my arms around him, I held him close and kissed him back. Fuck it, I could overthink things later. Right now I had a gorgeous man in my arms.
18
GRAY
