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I don’t think I’ve ever seen her like this before. She’s furious, and it’s all directed at me.
“I met up with Eli last night for drinks. I had a real shitty past few weeks and needed to let off some steam. He was hammered, drunk dialing me, but never mentioned Zeus was with him. We drank our asses off. Eli bounced, and Wes was drunk. So, I helped him home. It was really late, and I wound up crashing there...”
Sloan eyes me for a bit before she speaks with pain laced in her voice. “Nothing happened between you two?”
Shit, do I tell her I slept in his bed because he’s the worst host ever and doesn’t even have a guest room?
Fuck me, I really didn’t need this today.
My hesitation has her glaring in my direction
“I swear nothing happened…” I say, trailing off at the end.
“Why do I sense a ‘but’ coming?”
“ButIdidwindupsleepinginhisbedbecausehiscouchwastryingtoeatmeandyourboyrfriendsahoarder,” I say in one long-winded stream.
“What?” she asks incredulously.
“He doesn’t have a guest room yet and his couch was trying to eat me alive, so I crawled onto the way waaay opposite side of his bed and fell asleep… he was long passed out before I even went in.”
Definitely not going to mention the spark of excitement that flashed through me when Wes pulled me close this morning. It was a fleeting moment, but one I can’t deny. For years, I longed for him to want me in that way, but I knew deep down he wasn’t the one for me. I’m honestly happy for my sister and know they deserve each other, especially after all these years.
Although short-lived, it did feel nice to be wrapped in the arms of a man first thing in the morning. My ex wasn’t very affectionate, so I learned to live without the loving cuddles I so desperately craved, settling for his occasional hug and kiss after he climaxed. Geez, what was I thinking? Willingly giving up things I’ve always wanted to make him happy.
I just want to be someone’s number one choice. Their everything… Their first and last thought. Why can’t I have that?
I don’t want her to go through the rest of her life worrying that I’m still pinning after Wes, because it’s not true. I would never do that to her. After Wes’s confession last night, I feel like the worst sister and friend ever.
She still hasn’t spoken, but I see her eyes are softening.
“Come sit,” I tell her, patting the couch next to me. “I think you’ll want to hear this.”
I take a deep breath, preparing myself.
“The first time when I told you I loved Wes it was because I genuinely thought that I did… looking back, it was just a teenage crush that he never reciprocated. I don’t want you going through life thinking I'm going to try and steal your man. Trust me, nothing is taking him away from you. That man loves you with every fiber of his being.”
“Then how come you always looked so pissed or upset when you’d see us together?” she asks.
“Oh, like the morning I saw you sneaking out of his room on the family ski trip… Well, I had also just watched Eli sneak out of Quinn’s room. I was just in my own head about things, and so jealous that I didn’t have that person, someone who truly got me. Even though neither of you have ever officially been a couple, you both have that undeniable chemistry, and it just wrecks me that I’ve never really had that with anyone.”
Lo shimmies closer to me on the couch and wraps her arms around me. “Maddie, it kills me to hear this… I wish you would have opened up to me about this in the past. I know in my soul that you’ll find the other piece of your heart one day. I promise. You’re an amazing woman with so much to offer.”
“I don’t deserve your kindness, Lo. I’ve been a shitty sister,” I say, choking back the tears that have been threatening to fall, but I continue, “The older I’ve gotten, the more I realize how fucked up it was to do that to you. I remember seeing the look on both of your faces the day we left for school, and it broke me a little. I almost called you to tell you I didn’t love Wes, that I was just being a jealous bitch, but I was too ashamed of myself. I’m so sorry Lo. For pulling away, for keeping you away from Wes, for making you feel like you couldn’t trust me. Ugh, for all of it… Can you forgive me?”
“Mads…” she says before grabbing me for another hug. “I know I don’t completely understand where you’re coming from, but I hear what you're saying, and I know you’re being honest with me. Thank you for that.”
Getting a little choked up, I hug her just a bit tighter. “I don’t like the distance between us. Going weeks without talking to one another. I know I'm the reason it’s there—”
“You can't just blame yourself, we both had a part in it. But we can do better. I love you Mads,” she says, her eyes glassy with emotion.
“I love you too, Lo.”
After hugging it out for quite some time, she begins to fill me in on all the latest news. I’m excited to have her back on this side of the country. Maybe this is the beginning of a new chapter for us.
* * *
A cartonand a half of Chinese takeout later, Sloan and I are sprawled out on my living room floor, laughing at an old scrapbook I have on my coffee table. It's one we all made together when we were younger with the help of our mom.
