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Chapter 34
Faye
You can do this, Faye. You can do this;I repeat to myself as I stand in my closet and look at all Ben’s clothes.
Anxiety creeps up the back of my throat, and I feel how close I am to losing it. Glancing at Thane as he’s holding an empty box, I tell him, “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can, baby.” His eyes are so reassuring as I snuffle back the tears. Taking my hand, I slowly reach for one of Ben’s t-shirts, it trembles, scared to touch the material, and I close my eyes, a vision of Ben wearing the yellow t-shirt clouding my thoughts.
“I…I can’t,” I stutter and pull my hand down, but Thane pushes it back up.
“You can do this.”
With his hand guiding mine, I grasp the fabric in between my fingertips, pulling it downward. Then I drop it into the box, reaching up, I take another and another shirt, yanking them all down frantically. I just want to get this over with. I need to.
These clothes do not represent Ben. His memories and the time we shared together are who he was. Every shirt I pull is freeing. My breathing is hasty, hangers are flying, and as I take the last shirt, I gently set it on the pile pouring from the box Thane is holding. Tears are in his eyes as he looks at me.
“You are so fucking strong.”
I don’t feel strong; I feel weak. I feel like I rushed through that, to get it over with, to save myself the pain of having to remember. But I know however I did it, it had to be done. In order for me to move on and keep on the positive path of my future, this is what I needed. Thane backs out of the closet and closes the top of the cardboard flaps over the clothing, wiping his eyes dry on his shoulder. My stomach churns watching Ben’s clothing disappear. It’s the last time I’ll ever see his clothes, and suddenly I feel light-headed. I rush into the restroom, getting sick.
“Faye?” Thane hollers out and finds me kneeling and gagging.
“What’s the matter?” he asks me.
“I can’t get rid of his stuff.” I rest my head on my forearm, and he says to me, “Then we’ll keep it.” I process his words, and they thankfully settle my fears. “We don’t have to get rid of anything. Braxley might want them one day.”
I nod and let him pull me onto his lap. His warmth and tight hold is so reassuring. “I’m sorry. I thought I was ready to do this.”
“Don’t apologize. This is hard what you’re doing. If I lost you, I couldn’t do it.”
I rest my head against his chest, breathing him in and closing my eyes. I couldn’t imagine losing Thane either. I’d be so lost, a wreck without him.
“Come on, let’s go grab some lunch,” he offers, and I reach for the toilet, flushing it.
“I don’t think I can eat.”
“Coffee?”
“Coffee,” I agree, and together we leave. As I look back in my bedroom, the lonely box rests on the floor in front of my nightstand and the spot I keep my necklace at with our rings on.
Knowing that I don’t have to get rid of Ben’s things makes me feel so much better. We leave my house, and Thane helps me into his SUV and then holds on to my hand as we drive.
“You okay?” he asks me.
“Yeah.”
“What are you thinking?”
“About the future, about us moving in together.”
“I like hearing that,” he says, and I nod feeling so comfortable and settled from where we began. When I met Thane, I never imagined a relationship or falling in love. Now, being with him, I can’t fathom what my life would be like without him, and I pray to God I never have to find out.
