AllFreeNovel
Share Us
But even if you weren’t A.J.’s sister—or a Hawkins—I shouldn’t look at you that way again.
The thing is, I doubt I’ll be able to stop thinking about you. Picturing you. Wondering what it’d be like to kiss you.
Not that I’ll ever send this, but . . .
Jesse
LETTER
ELLA
JESSE,
I’m writing to you knowing I’ll never put this in the mailbox. I’ll never tell you how I feel. And how can I? You’re A.J.’s best friend. You’re . . . you. The man I’ll forever want and never be able to have.
Sometimes I think wanting someone you can’t have is a special kind of hell. It hurts. God, does it hurt. The pain in my stomach. The way my chest squeezes when I look at you, wishing so much I could be yours. Knowing it’ll probably never happen.
Of course, last year at A.J.’s going away party, I almost thought you’d make a move. Then my brother showed up and “put out the embers” between us before a fire could even get started.
But honestly, right now all that matters is you stay safe. I heard you had to spin up. You’re deployed again. I hate to admit I’m scared. Scared for you. For A.J. now that he’s serving, too.
Whenever the phone rings, I see the way Mom’s hand trembles, worried if it’ll be “that call.” And you know my mom. She’s so tough. But she hides her nerves about A.J. And I hide my nerves about you.
Please come home. Please come back. Even if not to me . . . just come back.
Until then—I’ll keep your photo with me always. Keep you in my heart forever.
Yours,
Ella
LETTER
JESSE
DEAR ELLA,
I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I thought it might help to vent. Do you remember when life was easier when we were younger? (Even when shit was hard at home, it felt easier in comparison to this. To being here.) I miss those days when I’d escape to your ranch and forget about everything else for a while.
I guess I’m feeling nostalgic tonight. Missing those hot summer days. I can’t believe I’ve been in the military since I was 18. Did I grow up too fast? Run too far away from home?
It’s hard to wrap my head around how much everything’s changed. Even harder to believe I never got caught staring at you by A.J. or your other brothers. I still can’t get over that weekend last year at A.J.’s party. Every look and almost touch.
And fuck . . . that last look you gave me at Christmas has been forever etched in my mind. I wish I’d gone ahead and kissed you beneath the mistletoe at the Christmas party. And also, beneath the tree at A.J.’s party the summer before. Wished I’d said something a million times over.
At least while I’m here, though, I know you have people looking out for you. Your family. My sister, too.
I know Rory never told you about our dad. She was so innocent and vulnerable. I took the brunt of his wrath as much as possible. I knew I was strong enough to absorb his verbal abuse, among other things, to keep Rory out of it. To keep her protected and safe. But still, I can’t help but wonder if I did enough. My dad’s a story for another day, though. But . . . I came from a broken world, Ella—does that make me a broken man, too?
Jesse
LETTER
ELLA
JESSE,
A.J. told me you lost a friend last week in Iraq. God, I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine what you must be going through.
