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I want it.
I want to not feel pain.
I want to notfeel.
Sucking in a breath, I dive underneath.
And then I let it all out.
I scream, the bubbles coming out of my mouth and tickling my face as they swallow my anger, my pain, my despair, my loss.
I scream, and I scream until there is no air left in my lungs.
And that’s when I see them.
Nixon and Yas are cooking in the kitchen, so damn happy and in love.
My friends huddled around me as we had one of our movie nights, laughing.
Prescott.
His eyes staring into mine as he made love to me.
I can’t lose you, Jade. I will lie and cheat and kill. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you alive. To keep you safe. Because the thought of living in a world in which you don’t exist is unimaginable for me.
Pushing out of the water, I start coughing as I struggle to breathe the much-needed air into my lungs, my fingers clasping the edge of the bathtub.
What the hell am I doing?
My heart is beating furiously in my ribcage as I take in big gulps of oxygen.
I look around myself, taking in the mess that’s my bathroom. Water is spilling over the edge of the tub. There are red smudges on the tiles. I probably cut my feet on the shards of the lamp when I was getting here and hadn’t even noticed. There is vomit on the floor, and my clothes are thrown into the corner with my phone next to them.
Gathering all the strength I can muster; I push to my feet and get out of the tub. I’m still in my underwear, which is completely wet, but the towel is too far for me to reach, and I’m too tired to bother.
Sitting down on the floor, I fight the shivers as I pick up my phone, speed dialing the first name on my contact list. It takes a few rings, but my brother picks up. “N-Nixon?”
“Jade?” Nixon asks, the worry clear in his voice. “What’s going on?”
“I n-need you,” I stutter, fighting the shivers as the cold sets in.
There is a beat of silence before I can hear the chair screech against the floor. “I’m coming home. You just hold on. You hear me? I’m coming home.”
“O-okay.”
I can hear a loud bang in the background, and the sound of an engine turning on. “Hold on, Smalls.”
I nod, although I know he can’t see me. He keeps talking to me all the way as he drives back home, and I listen. I focus on his voice, letting it ground me to the present, letting it be my reason to hold on.
The door opens and closes once again, and then I can hear his rushed footsteps as he climbs upstairs. Another door bangs.
“Jade?” Nixon’s frantic yell echoes in my ears. “What the—”
He turns around and finds me lying on the bathroom floor, my back pressed against the tub, phone clasped in my hands.
I let it fall down, and for the first time, I say the words that I’ve been fighting for so long, hoping that if I stay strong, everything will be okay.
But nothing is okay.
