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My eyes widen in my head. “What did he say?”
“In the coolest way imaginable, he told her while he’s into a lot of freaky shit, he’s not into swordplay with his brother and that if she wanted him, she should go to him. He even told her she could return to him if she wanted to.”
“And?”
“Cade told her that he wasn’t interested.”
My heart explodes. I hadn’t known any of this had happened.
“And you?” I ask.
“Although a certain someone won’t admit it, I can tell she has a crush on him. I can see when she gets the googly eyes when he walks by.”
“I do not!” I defend, unable to hold back the smile forming on my lips.
“Do too! And that smile proves it. So, no, I wouldn’t do that to you. Besides, he’s just as into you as you are him.”
“I doubt that, and I’m not into him like I told you before. There’s just the two of us together, and we have no choice but to keep each other entertained,” I lie.
“Mm-hmm. Well, we’re getting ready to go snowshoeing. Want to come with?” Stacey asks, springing from my bed and wiggling her fingertips toward me.
I look at her outstretched hand and hesitate.
“Might as well enjoy living this great life while you’ve got time. It will all be over far too quickly,” she reminds me.
And I know she’s right because there won’t be time for this once I return to my responsibilities. Time to laugh, shout, explore, or just partake in adventures.
“I will!” I say gleefully, hopping off the bed.
“Great! Get dressed in layers. We’re leaving in half an hour.”
“Wait, I don’t have any snowshoes.”
“It’s okay. They’ll have them for you. You can rent them at the place we’re going to.”
“Perfect,” I sigh, heading to the closet to pull out some items to wear.
“Don’t forget to dress in layers because we’ll be gone for a while.”
“Okay,” I reply, already removing my tee shirt.
***
MY THOUGHTS ARE CONSTANTLYon Cade. As each couple jokes and teases one another, kissing and touching, I wish I had the freedom to do the same. I want nothing more than to have him look at me right now how he looked at me in the sauna, to hold me like he did last night when I crept into his room or moan my name in ecstasy how he did this afternoon.
I wish he and I could be more open, but I know I’m not ready.
Opening myself up to explore anything beyond hot sex for the next few days is prohibited. I don’t want to walk down that dark alley because I already know it will only lead to hurt, pain, and an assault on my heart and senses.
Being with Cade is something I’ve fantasized about for so long. Being touched and kissed by a man. Filled and stretched wide with a man’s girth rather than a toy has been my greatest desire but one I haven’t allowed myself to explore.
That’s what this trip was about: me returning to my old self. Learning how to heal, grow, and let go of the past is crucial and the one thing I seek.
However, it’s easy to challenge yourself when you’re far away from home and not surrounded by people who know you. Who knows your story.
The cost of entering a relationship only to get hurt, only to lose the one that you love and care about, to not be able to turn to the person that you pledged your undying love to for eternity and know they’ve got your back is a crushing blow to the psyche.
I just cannot handle it. Maybe some women can, but not me.
