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“I didn’t say that wasn’t what I wanted,” she shot back. “It’s just—”
“It’s just that you kept him a secret from me for ten years,” I said bitterly. “So it’s hard for me to think you trust me as a father figure.”
“You are his father, Rocco. It’s just…it’s up to you whether you want to act like it or not,” she explained.
“And what reason have I ever given you to think that I wouldn’t want to be a father?” I asked. We’d even talked about it, getting married, having kids. I wanted a big family because I never had one.
“Because youleft me, Rocco,” she burst out. “You don’t know what that did to me. And then you disappeared. I couldn’t even track you down. I tried, you know, the first few years.”
“I was inside,” I said softly, slowly realizing that she had a point. I wasn’t exactly reachable for the first five years.
“You didn’t tell me that. You didn’t tell me anything. You just left me there,” she said, her voice shaking. “You just didn’t show up that night. I waited for you for hours, until I almost had frostbite.”
“I'm sorry,stellina,”I said, but the words felt like too little, like it wasn’t deep enough. I wanted to tell her that I’d missed her for ten years, that I’d never stopped thinking about her. But she wouldn’t want to hear that from me. She only wanted to be friends, not to get back together. We weren’t going to instantly be a family. Not to mention, there was still a part of me that resented her terribly for not telling me I had a son. I’d missed so much of his life: his first steps, first words, first laugh. I’d even missed the first day he started school.
“It doesn’t matter,” Allegra said. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
I swallowed hard, looking at her, thinking of all the distance between us. “Doesn’t it?” I asked softly.
Allegra looked away. “In any case, if you want to be a part of Matteo’s life, of course I’ll let you.”
I stared at her. “You will?”
She sighed. “My father told me that Matteo needs his father in his life, and it made me think. I’ve been telling him bedtime stories about you for years, and he knows you through me, but it’s different. He deserves to know his father for real, and I want him to have all the love he can have in this life.”
I nodded slowly. “I don’t know how to be a father,” I said. “But I want to try.”
“I have conditions,” Allegra said.
“What kind of conditions?” I asked, frowning.
“I don’t want him to be part of the wiseguy life. I don’t want him to see the things I’ve seen, that you’ve seen. I don’t even want people to know he exists, if I’m honest. My father and I have been telling people he’s a cousin we took in.”
I didn’t quite like the idea of not being able to tell anyone I had a son, but at the same time, who would I tell? Enzo, who might have already betrayed me? I didn’t have anyone special in my life, didn’t have any family, and I wanted Matteo to have all the things that I didn’t have. “I understand,” I said, knowing she just wanted to protect him. “I’ll abide by your rules.”
“He’s homeschooled, and even if you come to visit on a school day, he needs to do his work,” she said firmly.
I smiled a little. It was odd seeing her be such a fierce mother. I guessed that was the reason she’d wanted to get home so badly. Now everything was coming together. “Fair enough,” I answered, agreeing.
Allegra stood there for a moment longer, seeming like she wanted to say something else. I felt this odd tension in the air, as if there were so many things left unsaid that it left the hair heavy around us. But I didn’t speak, and neither did Allegra. She just walked out, closing the door, and now all we could do was wait.
21
ALLEGRA
It was another two days before Papa could get Ricardo to agree to a meeting. I spent the time with Matteo, having missed him terribly. “Where did you go, Mama?” he asked.
I sighed. “I was with your father,” I admitted.
“Are you getting back together?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.
I shook my head. “No, baby.”
“Why not?” he asked, pouting.
“Because…because we loved each other very much when you were born, but things are different now,” I tried to explain.
“You don’t love him anymore?”
