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“We can’t protect him forever,” Rocco said, looking down at Matteo with fondness in his eyes. “But something tells me if he’s anything like his mother, he’ll rally.”
I frowned. “I don’t want him to rally, Rocco. I don’t want any of this to be happening.”
“We can’t change the world we live in, Allegra,” he said, squeezing my ankle. “All we can do is protect him as much as we can.”
“We could have,” I said stubbornly, feeling resentment build in me. “We could have started over all those years ago.”
“Don’t start, Allegra,” Rocco mumbled. “Not now.”
“I’m serious,” I said, my voice raising. “You just left us, Rocco. How am I supposed to believe you’ll protect us now?”
“I didn’t leavehim,” Rocco pointed out. “I didn’t know he existed.”
“Great. So you just left me,” I grumbled.
“I didn’t leave you,” Rocco said quietly. “I just…I knew I couldn’t give you what you needed,stellina.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means, Allegra. I couldn’t give you the lifestyle you were used to. We would’ve had to start over on what I had in my pocket, which wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get your hair done, your nails done—”
“You think I care about all of that?” I snapped, anger rising in me. “You think I ever cared about that? All I wanted was you, Rocco!”
“I know, but you would’ve hated it, Allegra. We would’ve had to live in a shitty apartment, drive a shitty car—”
“I told you I didn’t care!” I burst out, and Matteo stirred in his sleep. I sighed. “We can’t talk about this now. He’s just gotten to sleep and I’m exhausted.”
Rocco looked at me with a mix of emotions on his face before finally standing and going to the door. “Do you think I could stay here again tonight?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said. “As long as it’s okay with my father.”
“I’ll ask him,” he said, shutting the door.
I sighed, snuggling up next to Matteo. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep at all, but exhaustion washed over me in a wave.
* * *
The next morning,I was woken up by Matteo grabbing onto me tightly, giving me a big hug. “I dreamed you weren’t here anymore, Mama,” he whispered shakily, tears in his voice. “I don’t ever want to dream that again.”
I hugged him back. “I’m always here for you, Matteo. Always.”
“And Papa?” he asked.
I pulled away, looking down at him. “You want Papa to be with you all the time, too?”
He nodded. “Of course I do. He’s my father and I haven’t gotten to spend much time with him yet.”
“I’ll talk to your father,” I said, shocked by Matteo’s words. I hadn’t known he’d already gotten so close to Rocco, but I guessed he was right. He needed his father in his life, and Rocco wanted to be in his life. It was a win-win. Except for in my case. I couldn’t be around Rocco all the time and not want him. I’d said we’d be friends, but now I didn’t know how we were going to pull that off. Could we really co-parent and be friends without wanting more? Was that even possible?
I didn’t know, but I knew I needed to talk to Rocco about everything. I found him in my father’s office, and instead of walking in, I just listened at the half-open door, standing behind it so that they couldn’t see me.
“You can stay here as long as you like, Rocco,” my father said. “But…you and Allegra…”
“There is no me and Allegra,” he insisted firmly, and a spear seemed to pierce itself through my heart.
I opened the door wide, walking in and Rocco and my father both looked at me. “How are you feeling,carissima?” Papa asked.
I smiled at him. “Lots better after some sleep,” I said honestly. I wasn’t feeling as pale and shaky as I had before. I didn’t feel as terrified about the future. I looked at Rocco. “Did you take care of Ricardo?”
