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My mother would hem and haw, hinting at what she wanted to do but never fully giving in to it. She had mastered the ability to talk herself out of anything before it was even a true option.
“I want to travel. I want to see the world. Your father and I had so many plans for after—” Her voice broke, and she paused. “After he retired.”
“I know. You guys used to talk about it all the time,” I said almost wistfully even though I wanted to keep my emotions out of it. It was hard whenever he got brought up.
“We had a lot of plans.”
“You can still do them, you know? And you should. You had a list once, remember?” I asked, talking about the bucket list of travel places that used to hang on our fridge underneath aTake Risksmagnet. It’d disappeared one afternoon, and even though I’d noticed its absence immediately, I never asked about it. Until now.
“I still have it.”
I straightened in my chair. “You do?”
“Of course. I just couldn’t bear to look at it every day. It’s in my dresser drawer in the bedroom.”
For whatever reason, that little nugget of information filled me with relief. It made me happy to know that my mom hadn’t thrown everything in the trash, the way she had donated all of my dad’s things to charity before the dust settled. I had known it was hard for her to be surrounded by his memory, but it was hard for me to watch them all get handed out to strangers.
“I came here to tell you that I have plans to go away. I’m going to travel for the next year”—she smiled wistfully—“if not longer.”
“A year?” I said through my disbelief.
“Or more,” she added again for clarification.
My body tensed. I loved my mother, and while I enjoyed having my own space, the idea of not seeing her for a year or longer had me spiraling a bit. I had never, in my entire life, gone more than three days without seeing her.
“Yes. But I can’t in good conscience leave if—” she started, but I cut her off.
I knew exactly what she was going to say. “I’ve been running the company for five years, Mom. I’ve got this. Nothing will happen to our legacy or our employees or our clients. I promise you that.”
“Joseph, you think I’m actually worried about you running the company?” She sounded almost offended.
My breath caught in my throat. “If it’s not that, then what are you worried about?” I stood up from the couch and made my way back over to my desk. I was more comfortable there, felt more in command.
“You. You’re an amazing CEO. You’ve far exceeded my hopes for the company.”
“But?”
“But…” Her eyes narrowed—she was clearly irritated because I’d interrupted her twice already. “Life isn’t just about work.”
I stopped myself from growling out loud in frustration and annoyance. We’d had this conversation one too many times in the past, and I’d thought I’d stopped them from happening again. I was too busy for love and all the things that falling for a woman required.
Women needed the kind of time and attention I wasn’t ready or willing to give. Take into account how hard it was for me to actually meet someone wife-worthy in the first place. Considering I was always here or at corporate functions, and you had the second problem. Plus, to be honest, I had no interest in relationships at this point in my life. That didn’t mean that I didn’t fuck. I did. But it was with women who knew we had no future and who had zero expectations from me. Kind of women versions of myself.
Dating, marriage, kids were all something I wanted and saw for myself but further down the road.
My mother knew that, but it still didn’t stop her from lecturing me. “You need a partner. You need a teammate. I don’t want you to be alone forever. This company won’t keep you warm at night. It won’t listen to your fears, or grow old with you, or share meals, take care of you, or love you back.”
“Mom, I know,” I started, ready to argue, but she wasn’t having it this time.
Her entire demeanor shifted, her back straightened, and her face grew uncomfortably stern.
“No, you don’t know.” Her tone made me feel like a little kid who had just gotten caught stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar after being warned ten times. “You need to want more from your life, and if you don’t start taking it seriously, I’m going to intervene.”
“Intervene? What the hell are you talking about, lady?”
My mother hated when I called herlady, and I snickered to myself as she clenched her hands together, feeling like I’d won somehow.
“You know that Social Month is almost here, right?”
