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“I still don’t think he’s an animal abuser,” I said, still half-expecting Jamie to know my thoughts.
“What?” he scrunched his brows.
“Prometheus. And the vulture.” I sighed, gazing down at my shoes. “Remember PETA?”
“I’ll never forget PETA.”
“Well, I’ll never forget you,” I said. “You can’t ask that of me because it isn’t possible.” I planted my feet against the floor, latching on to Jamie in a way I hoped would be permanent. Permanent enough to get him to reconsider sending me on my way.
To my chagrin, however, he twisted the door handle to his apartment with his free hand and opened.
“You need to go,” he said, pushing me out the doorway.
“Please don’t do this.” Tears welled in my eyes as he guided me out. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’m sorry, Jemma. Maybe another time.”
“Another time will be too late.”
He said nothing. Instead, as we exited his apartment, he placed his hands around my face and rested his forehead against mine. Then, his lips fell across my lips, and his mouth pressed into me harder than ever. His thumbs traced the skin beneath my eyes as he planted one more breathy kiss against my lips.
“You’re the dream I hope for every night,” he said. “But I also care about you too much to put you through the hell of being with me. I’m a damaged person. And you deserve undamaged. That’s the reason I pushed you away before, truth being told. Back then, I was a young kid unable to communicate that message to someone else. But I’m an adult now. Old enough to tell you that I recognize my own state of being… and I wouldn’t want to drag you down with me. Not after what I’ve been through.”
I tried once more to reason with him.
“We’re all damaged, Jamie. Why not be damaged together?”
He shook his head.
“It was nice seeing you. Really,” he said as he backed into his apartment.
“Jamie, wait…”
My words were greeted with a closing door.
“I will always love you, Jamie,” I said loud enough so he could hopefully hear me. I leaned against the door and pressed my forehead against the wood. “Please let me back in,” I whispered. Tears poured down my face as I stayed there like that, my palms lying flush on the surface. I couldn’t just leave. Couldn’t. Not after what we’d been through. Not now, knowing what would happen if I walked away and turned my back on him.
He needed me whether he knew it or not.
We needed each other.
I couldn’t give up on him, the one person who continued to return to me even when I had shut him out and demanded he go.
“I love you,” I whispered, repeating my sentiments from earlier. As the tears clouded my vision, I stayed that way against the door. Not having one damn clue what the fuck to do. I froze in place, choking out sobs until the floodgates opened, and I became a blubbering mess right outside Jamie’s apartment. I was so fucking close to him. So close to changing everything.
And I’d failed.
A few weeks ago, I may have been ashamed. Wondering why I would throw myself at someone else in this manner.
But Jamie… he was the soul I was eternally connected to.
The melody of “Ocean Breathes Salty” danced in my mind, reminding me of two souls who were so far apart. One soul so hurt in life that they were bound to be hurt in the afterlife.
Then, for some reason, I began to whistle the tune. Quietly at first. Then, increasing in dynamic. Until I whistled it as loudly as I could, a pathetic person sobbing and whistling outside of Jamie’s door.
I stayed that way, whistling in the hallway. Going through the song once, then twice. Silence my unintimate answer, my sole companion, laughing in my face. The lights from the hall buzzed over the whistling, a constant backdrop to the melody, as if the two sounds belonged together in a sad song.
A slew of worries crept through my mind. Had my visit only moved the inevitable forward? Was Jamie inside his apartment now, grabbing the rope from wherever he had stashed it (maybe his bedroom?), and hanging himself because of the feelings I’d brought up inside of him?
