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“You know you’re not supposed to be in my dorm, right Jamie?” I asked facetiously. Though let’s be honest here. We’d been together for nine months. Aside from my emotions being out of whack when it came to him—because I loved a guy who wouldn’t love me back in the same way—I knew Jamie was safe.
“Yeah, Jems. I know I shouldn’t be in there. Which is why you should consider… if you are okay with me being in there with you that is… letting me in as soon as possible. So that this guy doesn’t get caught standing outside your room and, therefore, expelled.”
I smirked. “Uh, they wouldn’t expel you for standing outside of my dorm room. Only if they catch you in here, dummy.”
“Right. Good point. Still. The food is getting cold.” I heard the tray clank against the door.
“Impatient, aren’t we?” I asked, smirking as I hopped out of the bed. I landed on my feet with a thud and leaned over to unlock the door and open.
Jamie shrugged his shoulders, lifting the tray up in the same way that Allie from The Notebook shrugs her shoulders and lifts her bags near the end of the movie. When she’s decided to stay with Noah and has nothing left to say except…yeah, hi, I’m here. And we don’t need to talk about it because you know I’m going to stay.
Was that how Jamie and I were always going to be? The future flashed in front of my eyes, and for a moment I saw us. Twenty years in the future. Sitting in a house with our children, telling them that crazy time in our youth when Jamie used to tell me he couldn’t love me.But don’t worry kids, we’d say, it all worked out in the end…your dad came to his senses.And at night, after the kids had gone to bed, Jamie and I would laugh about that ugly period in our lives… and how we got past it and ended up living the kind of wonderfully happy lives that made other people sick. That was how good it would be.
And Jamie would gently kiss me on the head and tell me he’d been an asshole and should’ve known back then just how beautiful our connection could be. That he’d been so wrong to tell me he couldn’t love me… because, back then, he’d never let himself try to love me in the first place.
My mouth fell into a wistful smile, hanging there unconsciously as I stared at Jamie. A grin of amusement crossed his handsome face.
“Are you going to let me in?” Jamie asked in an odd yet gentle tone, nudging his way into the room. He brushed past me with a tray that had two mugs of steaming liquid, two bowls of soup, and two plates full of chicken and vegetables. He set it down on the table next to the bed. I wondered if all private schools had food like this. Truthfully, I’d never had a problem with Stony Point’s dining selection. Not that I had experience at any other school, but I always saw students complaining about the cafeteria movies in all the movies I had ever seen.
My stomach grumbled again, and I remembered I hadn’t eaten all day.
“Thanks,” I said, realizing I still stood by the open doorway. A flash of panic shot through me, and I pushed the door shut, hoping no one had seen Jamie enter.
He sat on the edge of the left side of the bed, closest to the window.
“I had to make sure you were okay,” he said. “I mean… youaremy girlfriend.” He handed me a hot mug. As I clasped my fingers around the cup, I brought it to my nose and smelled hot cocoa.
“Am I… your girlfriend?” The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
“Uh, yeah. Last I checked?” His eyebrows came together in a point like he was genuinely confused.
I placed the mug back on the table and reached for the chicken and veggies. I wanted to say…I’m your girlfriend, but you won’t ever love me? Where’s the sense in that?I wanted to say…why did you start something, and then continue something, with someone you couldn’t ever truly give everything to?I wanted to say…Jamie, why do you tell me such a hurtful thing, and then do things so wonderfully thoughtful and nice?
I wanted to say…don’t you know you’re the only person in my life?
I wanted to say…I wish you knew I was hurting as badly as I am.
“Alright, well cool. Just checking,” I said, shifting my legs on the bed as I cut up some chicken with the fork and knife.
“You know I care about you deeply, right?” Jamie asked. He hadn’t touched his plate of food which remained on the table next to us. He folded his hands together and placed them on his lap over legs which now crossed. “Do you know that… you worry me sometimes?”
“I worry you.” My monotone voice dripped with pain. I stared down at the plate of food, stuffing my face with a mouthful of chicken.
“You worry me,” he murmured.
“Thanks for bringing me dinner.” I dared not look back up at him out of fear I’d burst into more tears. My insides tightened to an extreme, jaw clenching. I never knew how to handle these awkward moments when someone got more emotional than I could deal with. I hated crying in front of people.
Jamie said nothing.
Instead of giving him any sort of eye contact, my head tilted down, pointed in the direction of the food he’d brought me. I heard his plate slide against the table and, out of the corner of my eye, saw him place the dish on his lap. We sat in silence until I had finished everything on my plate.
I put the heavy saucer back onto the table and leaned down against my pillow, knees bent, creating a ninety-degree angle in my torso area.
A moment later, I heard the clunk of Jamie’s plate against mine. He sank onto the bed next to me, flushed up against me. His knees leaned into mine.
“You’re hogging the bed.” He playfully squeezed my upper arm before resting his head against mine. I inhaled deeply, feeling the longing in my own damn heart, the fluttering inside my chest. That beautiful, sparkle of emotions just begging me to let free… locked in a vault I’d always had closed off and never felt safe enough to open.
If I could just let those feelings out, let them consume every inch of me…
