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“How could I forget about that,” Jamie said. “He... he tried. He tried so many times. It’s just… your dad… he was in such a bad place.”
“He tried? Jamie…no offense but… you were in a bad place, too. You’re still in a bad place. Yet you’ve had no troubles popping into my life again.”
His expression saddened, Jamie clearly offended by what I had just said to him.
“Ugh. Sorry,” I added. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No. I get it,” Jamie said, though there was still a shine to his eyes that hadn’t been there before. “Believe me, it’s different with us, Jems.”
“Different how?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you before I leave you. But right now, I’d rather not breach that subject.”
“You’ll tell me before you leave me,” I repeated, my voice dripping with sadness. Between Jamie’s eventual departure and the dream and everything I’d just relived with dad, my chest hollowed, pulse slowing. I took quick, shallow breaths, reaching a hand to my hair and tugging tightly.
“I can’t handle this,” I said. “That’s what my problem is. I can’t handle the hurt from the relationship I had with you. I can’t handle that my husband left me. And I most certainly can’t handle my dad’s death. I just can’t handle any of this. I can’t.”
A raw pain crept through my stomach, suddenly making me as sick as I’d felt in the dream. Nausea bubbled beneath the surface. I brought a hand to my throat, resting the fingers against my skin.
“God… I…” I started to say. A loud gag escaped my lips.
My stomach contracted, and another wave of nausea rushed through me. I bolted from the mattress, knees weak as I found my way to the bathroom.
My hands found their way around the toilet bowl, gripping the base as I heaved tonight’s dinner. Body ridding itself of everything that could quite possibly be in my system.
As I leaned over the bowl, Jamie’s energy formed behind me. He pulled my hair back with one hand, the other stroked my face as I continued to heave even after there was nothing left, when the only thing remaining was the acid in my stomach. The contents burned as they shot up through my throat. The acidic taste sitting behind my nostrils.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jamie whispered as I hunched over. “You’re going to be okay.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
Fifteen Years Before
“Isn’t messing with this kind of stuff… like… satanic?” Jamie asked from his seat across from me in the woods.
Leaves from the trees crackled, wind howling in the distance. The moon hung above, a thinly sliced crescent, barely visible even in the darkness of the sky. We’d placed the Ouija board between the two of us, the white planchette in the middle of the board, slightly covering the letter G.
“Not satanic or demonic or whatever… if you protect yourself first,” I said, glaring at Jamie.
In the last couple months, after we slept together, he’d disappeared on and off. We barely even spoke anymore. I’d text him or find him in the hallways, ask him to hang out, and he’d come up with an excuse of being too busy. It was only over the last couple of days that we’d started really talking again. And I didn’t trust that this would last.
All the signs that spelled doom for our relationship.
My heart crawled with anxiety. Mad at myself for giving something so precious to him. Hating myself for the judgment call I’d made. Hating myself for being here with him now.
How was it fair for a boy to disappear on you after you had sex with him? After you told him you loved him. I didn’t dare bring it up. After that time in my dorm room, we didn’t talk for a good month because he ignored all my calls and avoided me. Then, the next time we spoke, he found me in the common room studying for an Algebra II exam. All he said was hello. All I said back was hello. For the rest of the conversation, we both acted like nothing had happened.
But, despite my silence, my anger had only grown.
“Besides,” I continued, tapping the board. “Using this thing was your idea, genius. Too late to turn back now.” My words were curt, full of a sharpness I hope he felt.
Part of me hoped he knew I was mad at him. The other part hoped he wouldn’t pick up on it at all. So far, he seemed oblivious, smiling at me on the other side of that Ouija board. Looking amused with a curled lip. I hugged my arms around my body tightly, shivering from the brisk air.
“My idea? Okay, so. Just so we’re clear,” he said. “I only brought it up in conversation.”
“Uh, yeah, and then bet me I’d be too chicken to actually use this…satanicthing… as you put it.”
“Guess I was wrong.” He grimaced, a flash of concern washing across his face.
