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“I’m afraid,” Oliver whispered.
Victor hummed in agreement, but he didn’t move, and he didn’t look up.
“What if it’s never like this again?”
After a long beat, Victor’s fingers found their way back under Oliver’s shirt, pressing a flat palm over his left pec, thumbing at his nipple. It sent tiny pulses of pleasure through him, but not enough to want to chase them, so he let himself bask.
“You’ve inspired poetry in a man who thought he was dead inside,” Victor whispered. “And you’ll do it again.”
Oliver shook his head, and when Victor finally looked up, Oliver traced his furrowed brow with two fingers. “I’m not worried about other men. There’s going to be someone out there who sees all of me—not just the way I look or that I like lace panties.” He rolled his eyes on those last two words. “I’ll meet someone who sees me as a man with substance, worth loving.”
Victor cocked his head to the side. “So what are you afraid of?”
“That I won’t be able to see them the same way because my heart left the city the day you got on your plane.”
Victor closed his eyes, pained, his mouth drawn in a thin line, but he said nothing.
“I know that’s not fair. I know what we are. But I don’t feel like being dishonest, okay? I’m not asking you to change anything. It would be a disaster if you did.”
Victor looked at him, blinking slow and steady. “My life would ruin you.”
“And mine would never live up to what you deserve,” Oliver said. When Victor opened his mouth to argue, he pressed a finger to his lips. “You come from a world where you can buy out almost anything that stands in your way. And…and I’m going to be a teacher, Victor. I’m going to probably live in an apartment for the rest of my life and never own anything of real value. All these moments—all these powerful things you’ve made me feel—they’re a gift. But I don’t belong where you’re going.”
“You’re right about one thing,” Victor told him. “My world is cold and unfeeling and miserable.”
“But you can’t leave it. You’d resent anyone who made you did once you realized your creature comforts were gone,” Oliver told him.
He waited, holding his breath, to see if Victor would argue.
But he didn’t. He just laid his head back down and clung to Oliver a little tighter.
The moment had come, it had paused, and it had passed. And the decision between them both was made.
Chapter16
Oliver half expectedto be bitter and resentful, but instead, he was finally able to let go of the tension he’d been holding on to most of the day. They wrapped up together in one of the blankets, and Oliver broke out the strawberry sandos he’d gotten from the market.
He had a notebook on his lap, and he was currently trying not to choke on a wad of sweet bread and whipped cream. “You’re going to have a shack,” he said, coughing a little. “With nine children, and get married to Keanu Reeves.”
Victor looked aghast. “Whatisthis game?”
“Listen, I don’t make the rules. The MASH gods have spoken.” He grinned as he tore another bite off his sando with sharp teeth, then began his count again. “You’re going to drive a BMW and live in…” He finished the last count before bursting into laughter. “Dubai? Dude. You’d better find a wife if you’re moving to Dubai. Though you’re probably rich enough to buy yourself some immunity.”
Victor grimaced and snatched the paper away from him, frowning at it. “I really don’t want to marry Keanu Reeves. He seems very nice, but his life might be a little chaotic for me.”
Oliver grabbed the notebook and fell back with a groan, knocking over the lava lamp and shaking all the wax blobs into tiny beads. “Break my heart, why don’t you. He was totally my gay awakening.”
Victor grinned at him and lay down on his side, shoving the rest of their food wrappers to the side. “Was he?”
“Bill and Ted,” Oliver confessed. That wasn’t actually true, but it was the first time he acknowledged his feelings about a cute boy on TV. “I snuck into the theater to watch it.”
“Did you get caught?” Victor asked, reaching out to trace Oliver’s grin with the tip of his finger.
Oliver smiled even wider, shaking his head. “Not that time. The theater around the corner from this one foster house I was in showed oldies on Wednesday nights every summer. And they never locked their emergency exit, so I’d sneak in every chance I got. People always left sodas and popcorn behind too, so I’d get myself a little secondhand snack and stay out until I knew someone would start looking for me.”
Victor’s eyes went a little sad. “That sounds hard.”
“I didn’t actually know it was at the time. I mean, my life has never been soft.” He shrugged, not really wanting to talk about all that. “That was one of my happier memories.”
