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Because I knew. One touch, arealtouch, from him, and all those broken pieces of me would suddenly make sense. I was only broken without him. With him, I was unbroken. With him, I wouldn’t be able to run anymore, and that scared the living shit out of me.
That was why I pretended like his proposal never happened.
He smirked. “No witty comeback? Do I scare you, Ken?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. My heart was a mess. My thoughts were a disaster. Anything I said would have come out wrong.
“Thought so.” He inhaled deeply. “I should go.”
“Hendrix, wait.”
He spun around and shook his head. “Don’t. Whatever you’re about to say, stop. This is my shit. I’ll deal with it.”
He was wrong. It was my shit too. I wanted the same thing. My body just happened to be more discreet about it.
Hendrix nodded a slow, resigned nod, then sighed. “I can’t lose you, Ken. I love you too much to fuck this up.”
My heart leaped into my throat. He’d told me he loved me hundreds of times, but this one landed on my heart instead of my ears.
As much as I wanted to keep up the tough girl act and pretend that I was immune to him, I had to give in. I had to because we were there. We were at the shit-or-get-off-the-pot point in this train wreck bound to happen. Maybe if we just gave in, if we crossed the line,reallycrossed the line, it wouldn’t be so blurry anymore. Maybe all of this was spawned by lack of sex. I heard that did bad things to brain cells.
“You don’t have to go. We’ve done it before and survived.”
The look in his eye, the dark, wild hunger told me there was no need for explanation. He knew exactly what I was talking about.
Silence hung between us, thick and heavy. His chest heaved with every breath he took, and he looked as though he was about to burst out of his skin.
His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when he swallowed. “That kiss was a long time ago.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Jesus Christ. Isthatwhat you think this is about? Some kind of impulse? That I’m just fuckinghorny? We aren’t a couple of drunk teenagers anymore!” He pinched his eyes shut for a split second. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I just… Maybe we should…” He dropped his hand.
“What? Maybe we should, what?” My voice cracked because I was on the verge of tears.
“Take a break. Maybe we should take a fucking break.” He couldn’t look at me when he said it.
A break? People didn’t take breaks from friendships. Then again, I supposed our friendship was far from ordinary.
“Maybe that’s best.” I couldn’t look at him either.
The front door creaked open and the cool night air rushed in. I held my breath and waited to hear it click closed. When it didn’t, I glanced up at him.
He stood in the doorway with one hand on the frame and his back facing me. “Go to New York. Find whatever the fuck it is you’re looking for. Get back to me when you aren’t afraid anymore.” Those last words stung. “Goodnight, Kennedy.
My chest tightened. “Goodnight, Hendrix.”
The minute the door closed behind him, I slid down the wall, hugged my knees to my chest and let the tears I’d been holding back finally fall. This wasn’t our first fight. We’d had plenty of those. Still, just like everything else lately, this felt different.
He’d always told me I was afraid of commitment. Maybe he was right. Maybe that was why I avoided the Del Monte job for six months. Maybe that was why I found my men online instead of places I frequently went to. Less chance of ever running into them again that way. Maybe that was why I spent my time planning other people’s weddings instead of dreaming of my own. It took me an entire year after being accepted to apply for college. And the thought of owning a pet gave me anxiety.
What about now? Was I ready now? Could I leave knowing nothing would be the same if I did?
Can you stay knowing nothing will be the same, anyway?
HENDRIX
This,thisright fucking here, was exactly why I needed to keep my shit in check. I should have kept my hands to myself, should have kept my dick to myself. I should have kept my thoughts to my-fucking-self.
The second the words left my mouth, her eyes popped open wide like a mom whose kid just farted in church. An embarrassed blush spread up her neck and over her cheeks. I knew I’d fucked up. I couldn’t help it. It was like the instant her girly little hand touched my cock she unleashed the fucking beast. Like all these years, all this tension had been building up and that moment was the key that opened the floodgates.
Grabbing my phone to text Kennedy as soon as I woke up was instinctual. I opened our chat box and started to type then stopped myself. We always told each other good morning. And throughout the rest of the day, every time I pulled out my phone and stared at her name, I wondered if she was doing the same thing. I wondered if this was as hard for her as it was for me.
