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Like the pregnancy, everything seemed to be happening at once and taking forever. I knew six weeks wasn’t a whole lot of time, but that was still a month and a half away. My patience was running thin with everything in life and I just wanted to have everything be done and over.
“I promise you, you won’t regret this.”
I knew she was right regarding the house, but if this was what ultimately made me lose Leo, I wasn’t sure I could live with that decision. But, then again, there was always the chance that Leo would just leave me on his own. You couldn’t go through life depending fully on other people because they’d so often disappoint you. And, if Leo did disappoint me, at least I’d have the house to fall back on.
CHAPTER22
***LEO***
The ensuing weeks went by quickly. For maybe 99% of the time, Mila was giving the relationship her all, diving right into the deep end fearlessly and with no walls around her heart. I was doing my best to match her by giving her 200% energy 100% of the time. I wouldn’t say it was the least I could do, but it felt like the right thing to do. When one skydives, they can’t hesitate, they need to just jump out of the plane and hope that their chute will open at some point on the way down. And, if it doesn’t, they can still enjoy the journey on the way down.
Mila was the one who had more to lose and, as such, I forgave her for that 1% of the time when she retreated and became introspective, sometimes stopping mid-sentence as an idea popped into her head that she wouldn’t share aloud, but I interpreted as doubt.
I didn’t know where that doubt could have come from, though. There was no inkling of an intention on my end to leave Mila behind. Why would there be? I cared deeply about her, and the past several weeks had been among the very happiest of my life. But maybe she was worried I would. Or perhaps she wasn’t as happy as she seemed all the time and wasn’t as confident in me as I was in her.
Or, maybe — just maybe — she was concerned about the baby's paternity, as was I. This was an easy enough test, which required blood samples from both her and me. Because fetal cells actually flow in the mother’s bloodstream during pregnancy, there wasn’t any need to perform any more invasive extractions from her. And now, at my office, I was waiting for those very test results.
I promised Mila I’d let her know as soon as the results came in, so she could wait at home with Bagel and relax instead of coming into work with me, just to wait for the online portal to update. That being said, I was certain she was not relaxing. Like me, she was probably pacing back and forth, though at least I had the advantage of purpose and direction in that I could move from patient to patient. My focus was divided, and I kept checking my phone for an alert about a new portal message. Eventually, towards the end of the day, the message came, and I locked myself in an empty office and called Mila.
“What did it say?” she answered. No “hello” or “what’s up?” She wanted to get right to the point.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m logging in to check the results.”
The wi-fi had been acting up and was going slow. I’d meant to file an IT request, but when things worked “well enough” in the office, there was little motivation to actually improve them up to the level of good, especially with something that I didn’t use very much, like the internet. At times like this, though, I regret not demanding the complex update to the fastest connection imaginable, no matter what the cost. After all, our patients’ lives were at stake here.
My hands were shaking with nerves as I tried typing in my password and it took two tries.
“What’s it say? What’s it say?” Mila asked.
“It’s loading,” I said. “How’s Bagel doing?”
“She’s great.” Her voice was quick and dismissive. I’m sure Bagel was fine, but Mila didn’t care. There was nothing else to talk about at this moment in time. When anything pertaining to the baby was the subject of discussion, Mila didn’t care about anything else.
“What’s it say?” she wouldn’t quit.
“I promise I will tell you what it says as soon as it loads, Mila.”
“Okay.” She paused. “Leo?”
“It still hasn’t loaded.”
“I know,” she said. “Just… I want to know what happens if it says that you’re not the father.”
“Let’s wait for that to happen before we decide.”
“No,” she said. “I want you to tell me now.” Her voice was a little strong and demanding, but she lightened up. “I just… if it’s not you, I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to want to reassure me and tell me what you think I need to hear, but I’ll be wondering if you’re telling me the truth or not.”
“I don’t lie,” I said.
“But you must have thought about this already, right? What you’d do if you weren’t the father?”
Of course I had, but I was hoping it just wouldn’t come up. I had promised to commit myself to Mila regardless of what happened and I meant it, but also I knew what she was getting at. Things were about to move out of the realm of theoretical into reality real quick, and sometimes that caused peoples’ minds to change.
We were both, deep down, logical people. And, logically, it shouldn’t make a difference what some DNA test said, especially since Mila was the one I wanted in all of this. And, with the weeks having gone by as they had, I’d only become more attached to Mila and the idea of being a father.
“If the results say I’m not the father,” I told her, “I will still be the daddy. Things will continue on just as they would have before.”
I breathed as I waited for her to respond. It was so much more difficult without being able to see her face. An old-fashioned phone call was a stupid decision. I should have gone with the video call.
