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CHAPTER23
***MILA***
How could I possibly respond when I was fighting back tears in my eyes? What was there to say at this point? I was so sure in my gut that the baby was his that it almost felt like a cruel joke for it not to be. I was so convinced that I had treated the paternity test almost as a formality — a double check so we could be absolutely sure.
And so we sat on the phone with each other, neither of us saying anything. I leaned against the wall, patting a sleeping Bagel for reassurance. Something about her soft fur reminded me that there was still happiness and joy in the world, even if I wasn’t feeling any of it right now. She was so relaxed and serene while she slept, I envied her. With the way I was feeling, I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to sleep for a while. Or, alternatively, maybe I’d just sleep forever once I lay down.
“I’m coming home,” Leo said, eventually.
“Okay,” I said, my voice affectless and weak. As if I had a choice in the matter.
I wanted him there with me, but I also wanted him a million miles away. I wanted him to stay, but I also never wanted to see him again. It wasn’t clear what would actually make me feel better, or if I even wanted to feel better. There was a brutal irony to it all. I swore off men to focus on having a baby and, now that I had the baby, I was inconsolable because I’d lost the one good man left in the world.
With Leo on his way home, I had a solid half hour to really consider our future. And, after a few moments of letting myself sit in the disappointment, the logical part of my mind took back over to try to convince me that everything was going to be okay.
After all, truth be told, Leo didn’t really want to be a parent. Or at least that’s what he said when there was nothing on the line. Becoming a father was a concession he’d made in order to be with me and, while that was flattering to a certain degree, it was also the kind of thing he’d end up regretting later on in life and resenting me for. Right?
Really, this was best for him and, as a result, the best thing for me, too. He would no longer feel any obligation to attach himself to me or the child. And I had the house. It was going to be a surprise for him, but now I am glad he had nothing to do with it. He had a clear getaway.
Unless, of course, he was telling the truth when he said that he wanted to be with me and was ready to be a father.
Sometimes, I wished we could just drill holes into people’s heads to see what their true thoughts were. This game we played of dancing around the real issues and pretending to be nice rather than saying what we really meant only ended up hurting us. True, a lie could be catastrophic and a genuine act of cruelty, depending on what it was, but a series of white lies worked like a million paper cuts, eventually chiseling away a person until you could no longer trust him.
It made me miss how direct and rude Leo was when I first met him. No, he wasn’t the cuddly teddy bear that I fell in love with, but at least I always knew where I stood with him. Now, it all felt nice, but part of me wondered if it was an act. Or maybe just being trapped in that awful relationship turned him into a curmudgeonly asshole.
More the reason to tell him he was better off leaving me if he didn’t want to be a father.
By the time he eventually got back to the apartment, my mind had been every which way and back on the subject, spinning its wheels only to end up nowhere because, ultimately, it was his decision.
He gave me a hug and sat down beside me, petting Bagel, who was excited to see him come home so early. It was the sweetest thing, seeing how much she adored him and how much he loved her back. And, while I certainly didn’t want to say goodbye to Leo, I wouldn’t know how to say goodbye to Bagel. If Leo left, he’d certainly be taking her with him, and she’d never see me again. There’d be no way of explaining it to her.
It was one of a million reasons that it was a tough decision. But I had to let Leo make it.
“This is it,” I said to him. “It’s your free pass to leave.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, his voice serious and convincing, only making things harder for me. I thought it might be easier in person to see his true feelings and not have to wade through the ambiguity of a phone call, but it wasn’t.
“No,” I said, “seriously. You need to think long and hard about this. You told me you weren’t ready to be a father, and that’s fair. When I got into this, I planned on having this baby by myself and raising them by myself. I still can.”
But I didn’t want to. I wanted him to stick around.
“It’s no longer your baby,” I continued. “You have no obligation to stick around.”
“It’s just a lot to take in.” He said. “Of course I have an obligation to stick around. I said I would.”
Now I could read the look in his eyes and see him seriously considering this. The lack of emotion from him was less than reassuring. It felt like the old Leo was back.
While I was wondering that, I also couldn’t help but wonder if this was the escape he’d been waiting for, but he was just too proud to admit it. I wasn’t telling him these things as a trap, or at least that wasn’t my intention, though I wouldn’t have been surprised if that’s what it felt like to him. Even if it was, though, I needed a reason to know that he was going to be with me for life. If he wasn’t fully on board, then he needed to let me know before the baby was born. Because from the moment the baby was born, I wanted them to have a strong sense of stability in their life.
Plenty of kids lost their fathers from an early age and turned out fine, but I wanted to prevent the baby from experiencing that kind of loss if I could at all help it. No doubt, I would make a million mistakes as a parent — as every parent did — but if I could prevent myself from making a million and one mistakes, I’d consider that a step in the right direction.
“That’s it?” I said. “Just because you said you would? As if this was a contract you signed or something?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, with anger just below the surface. “I care about you.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “That’s not good enough, Leo!” I said. “Are you going to care about him? Or her?” I pointed to my stomach.
“How can I know if I haven’t even met them?” he said. “I care about you, and that should be enough.”
